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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/How far will a Witness family go to "save" their children?
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Question
I have been dating a man who is a Jehovah's Witness for the past year and a half. We have a long distance relationship with me living in Canada on the east coast while he lives in California.
He had kept our relationship secret from his parents all this time and had been planning on moving to Canada to be with me. We have spoken of marriage, and he announced to me that he no longer wishes to be a Witness. That he is aware of the mind control this cult uses against its members. However, he was too afraid to come forward to his parents about it. He is only 20 years old and always had a very close relationship with his parents that he is afraid to lose. But he has told me countless times that he would always choose me if it came to it.
His parents became increasingly suspicious about his desire to move to Canada, and finally the truth about our relationship came out about 3 weeks ago. I received a call from his mother who spoke incredibly rude to me, insinuating that I was a slut, and that I came from a bad family. My family is Christian and devoted to God, so this rather hurt me. His mother then had a conversation with my brother where she stated that they were prepared to do anything to stop him from moving to Canada. My father spoke with his father, and he stated that they "had buttons to push and will push them" if they need to.
Here is the problem. My boyfriend has disappeared, in a way. Two days ago he said he would meet me online to speak with me, but never came on, and his phone has been turned off since. I tried calling his house, but got no answer. I called his sister, who is not a Witness by the way, and she too tried calling him but didn't reach her parents until late. She believes their home phone is off which would mean he has no access to the Internet. She then informed me that the parents are being very secretive, and that it seems that they are up to something. She and her husband tried to speak to him, but they kept insisting he did not wish to speak with them, which sounded off to them.
My question is this: What could they possibly be doing to him at the moment? I don't know just to what extent Witnesses are willing to go to stop him, and this scares me. I have not spoken to him in two days now and I am worried about him. Thank you.
Dear Mary,
My expertise involves unravelling the complex web of mind games that are "normal" among Witnesses so as to help people regain and retain their freedom of mind and help people defend the integrity of their families. So I can and will shed light for you on what is "normal" among Witnesses.
First, however, I must point out that anyone in any subculture can succumb to mental illness, and Witnesses are especially susceptible to mental illness due to their extreme social environment. You should trust your gut in this strange circumstance. Although it is not normal among Witnesses for parents to harm their children in order to "save them", exceptions might certainly exist; and your future parents-in-law could feel that way.
Although it is not normal for Witnesses, it is possible, given their extreme social environment and extreme teachings, that mentally ill Witness parents might think they are saving their son's eternal life and damning themselves by killing him while he is yet "pure" before he makes a "self-damning" decision. Parents are known to sacrifice themselves at times for their children, and a mentally in Witness could see such a thing as a form of self-sacrifice.
All normal Witnesses in this circumstance would believe that if their son ceases to be a Witness, he will die in the near future at Armageddon anyway. They would believe that marrying a non-Witness greatly increases the likelihood that he will turn away from God, especially if he has stated he plans not to be a Witness anymore. (Turning away from God is justification for God to kill him at Armageddon in their worldview.) Armageddon has been "just around the corner" for about 150 years now among the Witnesses, thanks to a series of near-future prophecies which have repeatedly failed and been replaced with new ones.
It would not matter to them that you are a devoted Christian. All that would matter to them is that you are a non-Witness and their son is deciding not to be a Witness anymore. To have this revealed suddenly would be a very dramatic matter in his family, possibly exacerbating an underlying mental instability.
If you feel your future parents in law have in some way harmed your future husband, it would be perfectly reasonable to contact the police department in his locality and explain your concerns about possible foul play. I think YOU SHOULD CERTAINLY STAY IN TOUCH with your future husband's non-Witness sister if you believe there is a possibility of foul play.
Since he is 20 years old, he is legally free to make whatever decision he wishes, but he may not be mentally free or financially free; and if the parents are mentally ill it's possible he may be physically restrained or worse.
More likely, I would say, he is simply being coerced. More likely, I would say, the parents are engaged in some plot in order to coerce him to change his mind in some way, such as possibly a change of residence or a road trip to visit a sacred site.
More likely than having been physically harmed, he may be on the street without resources and will contact you soon if his mental bondage allows him to do so. Suicide is statistically very high and therefore A GRAVE RISK among Witnesses and former Witnesses, so please keep closely in touch with the non-Witness sister.
I'm so sorry you face this horrendous situation. May all conscious persons oppose the dramatic and casual evil done by misguided fundamentalists in the name of God. May the divine within you find and demonstrate strength and love in response to evil.
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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