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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/My girlfriend of almost a year is JW and I'm Baptist.

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Question
I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and things couldn't have been better. She is Jehovah's Witness and I was raised Baptist. This has always been an issue with our families but I believe we truly love each other and can make it work. However, recently she was attending a JW convention and basically told me to join her and her family in order to gain their acceptance. I felt very threatened by this and reacted somewhat aggressively. Her and I have never had any major issues involving the conversion of either of us, but now I'm not sure if she's eventually going to try and force me into being a "Witness". I guess my question would be; What should I do? I know that I truly love my girlfriend no matter what her beliefs are, but I'm not willing to put her before my own faith in Jesus Christ. Can you help?

Answer
Dear Frank,

Your girlfriend's behavior (basically telling you to join her and her family in order to gain their acceptance) is not surprising because Witness families do not accept their children marrying people of other religions--ever. They will never stop trying to convert you even after you have made it clear to them that you do not wish to convert.

They cannot force you, but they know how to wear down your defenses and gradually change your mind over time. Or so they hope, and are often successful, even with people who were originally determined not to convert.

Strong love between you and your girlfriend cannot change the fact that her family is deeply involved in a mind control cult that destroys families and enslaves minds.

There is a bible passage regarding not being "yoked" to an "unbeliever". The Witnesses believe this means they should not marry non-Witnesses. They feel their daughter is disobeying what they consider to be a bible command by marrying you; and that she is putting her eternal life at risk by marrying and staying married to a non-Witness.

> What should I do?

In my opinion, you should make yourself more fully aware of what you are getting into, and decide whether the pros outweight the cons.

It takes people years of hard work to overcome the mind games they suffered as Witnesses, and most never fully recover even after they've decided not to be Witnesses anymore. This illustrates how deeply ingrained their mental conditioning goes.

The suicide rate among former Witnesses is higher because former Witnesses believe they have become enemies of God. If her people expel her for marrying you, which they do to over 10,000 of their members a year, she will be in that category.

Your wife-to-be is conditioned in an environment where many mind games are used on her in order to keep her under control; and from this she learns to use mind games herself. If she is like most Witnesses, she does so without ever being aware that she is doing so. Simple honesty by presenting simple facts is beyond their grasp, because every conclusion must be orchestrated to support their religious dogma. Emotional authenticity is beyond their capacity, because every feeling must be brought into "harmony" with their religious dogma.

How will such behaviors from her affect your relationship? Only you can decide if it's worth it to you. The Witnesses are not just another Christian denomination.

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I'm doing my best to provide a reasonable and cautionary perspective, which is why you wrote me.

Best wishes,
Andrew XJW

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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