Expert: Andrew - 5/23/2007

Question
QUESTION: My husband grew up as a witness.  He turned away from the religion at age 17 wanting to experience life.  He had a lot of insecurities due to not being accepted by peers.  Some of which stemmed from being a witness.  I married him in 1996.  In 1997 he started studying with the Witnesses.  After a couple of months I told him it was me or the religion.  He chose me and our unborn child (I was 7 months pregnant at the time).  He has struggled with sex addiction and in 1998 we got the Internet.  His sex addiction really took off from there (I was unaware of this until Jan. 2007 - 5 months ago).  Four weeks ago, he finally admitted to sleeping with a prostitute in October 2006.  He began studying with the witnesses again in March of 2007.  He seems to be totally brain washed.  Everything is either "Jehovah" or Satan.  He claims that Jesus said he did not come in peace, he came to divide families.  This is exactly what is happening.  Our family was already becoming divided because of his adultery and now because of his religion.  He left me a message one day saying he was going out to lunch with a co worker but I shouldn't worry because he would not do anything to jeopardize his relationship with Jehovah.  When that made me angry, he proclaimed that he said he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his relationship with me or Jehovah.  When I played him the recording of his message, he claimed that somehow Satan took out two of the words just to make me mad because Satan wants to split us up.  Then after a week of being angry and finally making him see that he was becoming addicted to this religion and making it the only priority in his life, instead of giving me credit for helping him to see that he needed balance in his life, he says "Jehovah is helping him to see that he needs balance in his life.  What should I do.  I am very frustrated and scared.  I did not marry a Jehovah Witness (knowingly) and I did not marry a sex addict (knowingly).  I am not sure I can stay married to him because we have nothing in common anymore.  And frankly any of our past times together are now bad memories because to him, they all were controlled by Satan!!! Help, I need good advice.  Also, did you quit the religion voluntarily or were you disfellowshipped?  How do you feel about holidays now that you are not a practicing J.W.?  I studied with the Witnesses in March and April and have to admit I was being "sucked-in" too.  But when I saw how it was disrupting the children after they had been through so much the last few months with our fighting over his infidelity, I decided it wasn't worth it.  My Kids have been through so much and they don't need any more drastic changes in their life.  Now since I quit studying and going to meetings, I keep having nightmares.  I am now afraid that I won't achieve everlasting life!!!!!
Do you still feel as if you have a relationship with God even after leaving the J.W. religion?

Maggie

ANSWER: Dear Maggie,

I'm so sorry you're facing this awful situation. Very sticky indeed. Because it was hidden for so long, you are suddenly in over your head right away when the problems are revealed with no opportunity to nip anything in the bud. How unfair and untenable for you!

The behaviors from your husband which you describe sound very familiar though, I'm sorry to say. I think your husband during his growing up years, was so deprived of normal life, that when he threw off the chains at age 17, he had no normal sense of self-regulation. All the regulation in his life during his formative years was external. He had been controlled by others so completely that he never learned self-control, or so I am projecting.

Without self-control as normal people develop due to learning from normal social situations throughout life, he may be dependent on external controls. Or in his mental framework, he is dependent on "Jehovah" to save him (which is perhaps another way of saying the same thing). Even if he doesn't want to lose you, he may lose himself to addiction if he doesn't learn self-control and doesn't have the external controls of the Witness community.

I am not a therapist, and I rarely say things like this, but in such a case, he may be better off living as a Witness than living a life of addiction.

Of course, it would be better still if he could see a mental health professional who has experience with cult mind control, and gradually learn to develop balance, resilience, critical thinking, and self-control. Is that within reach? Do you think it's possible that he might somehow at some point be made to realize he needs help? He already has the help he thinks he needs from the Witness community, so it may be a very hard sell to ask him to let it go.

Switching him to a healthier form of help is an extreme challenge that frankly I don't think you have much likelihood of meeting. Whether it's worth it to try is of course a personal decision; so my goal is to help you make an informed decision in that regard.

Like it or not, you are now entangled in this situation which you did nothing to bring upon yourself. I'm so sorry. I suggest you read the book "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan for ideas on how to talk to your husband. Do it BEFORE YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD to him.

If you want to try to work it out, the greatest risk is that you will raise his mental defenses by not knowing the right things to say. Once he closes his mind to you, your task becomes 10X harder. A book like the one I mentioned would help you with things to say that could perhaps stimulate thought in him without raising his mental defenses against you; and that is the goal--to help him see how a therapist could be a healthier form of support than a community of controlling cult members.

Yes he desperately needs balance in his life, but he will never find it among Witnesses. Sadly, he will only replace one form of imbalance with another form among them. Black and white thinking is the norm for Witnesses. If it is not this, it must be that. They do not see any shades of gray.

I quit being a Witness voluntarily. I was stuck for a long time due to doubts, but could not bring myself to leave until God showed me I should leave. Then suddenly the weight of the decision was lifted off my shoulders and it became clear that there must be another way. The Witness claim to represent God was no match for God himself answering my prayer by indicating I should leave the Witnesses.

My feeling about holidays is that I am somewhat inept, but I try to create a festive atmosphere for my children. I grew up without learning any of the magic and wonder of holidays as a child, and without learning any family traditions first hand. Instead I have had to make new traditions during my adult life for the sake of my kids. But they are worth it; and my "faking it" usually comes off pretty well I think.

I'm glad you realized you were being sucked in and you realized how disruptive Witness behaviors are to children. This realization likely saved you and your child.

I have a better relationship to God today, 10 years after leaving the Witnesses, than I ever did as a Witness. I do not have the degree of intellectual certainty about what God is which I had then; but that was only a delusion anyway. Yet my faith is strong. Faith is not an intellectual process, and does not depend upon intellectual process.

The greatest concern I have for you is your own residual fears which you bring away from your entanglement with the Witnesses. This is far more dangerous to you and your children than your husband's behaviors. So please PLEASE continue pursuing the support you need to address your fears, as you are already doing.

One of the tactics that cults use to draw in new recruits is to offer them something too good to be true. Remember about things that seem too good to be true? They are. Most people of faith would tell you that your assessment is correct: We do not achieve everlasting life in our physical bodies that we have now. Isn't that just one of the ways Witnesses dangle a carrot in front of people in order to suck them in?

Yet many people of faith would also tell you that another part of you can never really die. I will leave it to you to discover a new spiritual path if that is your choice. No one should tell another what to believe or what is true about spiritual realms. No one can dictate to you who God is.

Yet I would suggest you open yourself to new possibilities about who God is, and allow Him to show Himself to you more directly without the deceptive influence of the Witnesses. You do not need anyone between you and God; and it's a good thing you don't because no one is qualified to get between you and God.

Remember that God is Love. Keep reminding yourself of this. God is Love. As you gradually distance yourself from the judgemental character of the Witnesses, and gradually work to overcome the mind games they have played upon you, God's love will become more and more apparent to you.

Love is everything. There most definitely is love after leaving the Witnesses. In fact, leaving the Witnesses is the only way to find Love, because unconditional love is not found among judgemental people; and Witnesses actually teach unconditional love (the only real kind of love) is wrong.

The way they reframe things, redefining words like "love", are simply false. Love cannot be redefined. Trust your heart and soul about this. Deep down inside, after you quiet your busy thoughts, you know what is real.

Keep working at it little by little, and give yourself time. Work very gradually at your own recovery. You cannot help your husband until you have worked at your own recovery.

Best wishes,
Andrew

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Andrew,
 Thank you so much for your reply.  I don't think there is hope for my husband.  He is seeing a counselor (because of me) for his sexual addiction but every time he hears something that does not coincide with his religious beliefs, he is ready to quit counseling.  I have subtly told my husband (who is so against the Catholics hiding sexual abuse within the church) about the Dateline special about the Witnesses doing the same.  He doesn't want to hear any of it.  His mind is totally closed to hearing anything.  I just cannot believe I am in this situation.  I feel like a total fool for allowing him, even going with him to that first meeting on March 25.  I was so desperate at the time to save my marriage - I just wanted help.  I had heard they were a cult but I thought it was just closed minded people telling me that (like my mom).  I have been reading about cult characteristics the last couple of days and the Jehovah Witnesses fit almost every criteria!!!!
 I am in counseling to get help for what I have been going through due to my husbands adultery and have found out that I am co-dependent.  I am now reading a book on it and feel I am well on my way to recovery.  To tell you the truth, I think I am giving up on my husband.  Every time I say something that upsets him or tell him I think I want a separation, he runs straight to the Jehovah Witnesses.  It amazes me that he doesn't call his best friend of 15 years instead!!!  I am afraid if I wait too much longer before I leave that the J.W. will talk him into taking my child or not giving us our share of his retirement (401K) or something.
 Do you have any advice you would like to give me on how to go about leaving so as not to make things any harder on myself or my kids?
Thank you,
Maggie

Answer
Dear Maggie,

> I have been reading about cult characteristics the last
> couple of days and the Jehovah Witnesses fit almost every
> criteria!!!!

Yes, there is no doubt in my mind that the Witnesses are a cult by every definition. The net effect is a very clear measure. Cults divide families and deprive people of their freedom of mind, as do the Witnesses. Of course, from the inside they do not recognize it. It is recognized only by comparing an individual to their former life, or retrospectively after leaving the Witnesses, critical self-examination from multiple perspectives can finally occur. Those who are still Witnesses look at things from only one perspective.

The Witnesses tend to quote Jesus saying, "I came to divide families". I think Jesus was teaching courage, not advocating the destruction of families. The Witnesses only make such a quote to defend their own meddling which results in the destruction of families. Yes, cults destroy families and Witnesses destroy families; but that is by no means a good thing as the Witnesses sometimes pretend.

If there was any other choice, you would not allow your family to be divided because families matter. I'm sorry you are left with little other choice because of your husband's intractible position under the influence of Witness mind.

> I am in counseling to get help for what I have been going
> through due to my husbands adultery and have found out
> that I am co-dependent.  I am now reading a book on it and
> feel I am well on my way to recovery.

Recovery from codependence and the impacts of a broken family is important; but is not the same as recovery from cult mind control. Your counsellor will be able to help you with recovery from cult mind only if she has relevant training. Many counsellors do not have such training, and often misdiagnose symptoms involving our experience with cult mind. It would be a shame if your counselling sessions took you down the wrong roads because your counsellor is not trained in recovery from cult mind control.

It is similar to talking to an MD about a chiropractor or acupuncturist. If you ask your MD about the benefits of chiropractic or acupuncture, you will often get a tongue-in-cheek or condescending reply because chiropractic and acupuncture are not part of an MD's training. Doesn't mean chiropractic and acupuncture have no validity, just that they are completely different approaches to health requiring completely different training. Likewise if you discuss recovery from cult mind control with a counsellor who doesn't believe in it (as some don't) you may get a tongue-in-cheek or condescending reply. You and I know it's real because we've been there, but many counsellors don't believe cult mind control is real.

So I suggest you be as perceptive as possible about your counsellor's background and ask tentative open-ended questions of your counsellor to see if she has the kind of training that can help you recover from this cult experience. If you have the wrong counsellor, it is easy to switch to another, and choose your next counsellor based on whether she has the right kind of training. If you need help finding one, I may be able to put you in touch with helpful resources.

Since you have only been involved with the Witnesses yourself for a few months, you will have less work to do in getting it out of your system, but there is definitely some work to do in view of the nightmares you've been having. The mind games are very complex. Time is not enough to get over them. You must analyze and understand the mind games in order to renounce them, reclaim your mind, and see the mind games coming next time. Beware that it is very easy and very common to jump from the frying pan into the fire in your situation. You may just end up in another cult if you don't do your work now.

> Do you have any advice you would like to give me on how
> to go about leaving so as not to make things any harder on
> myself or my kids?

Divorce can be very ugly where children are involved, especially once the lawyers get involved. Today's legal system is not built on justice like traditional courts, but rather built on profit like corporations. So they see a divorce involving children as an opportunity to profit; and the legal system will put you through the wringer to get as much money out of your family as they can. They will pretend to defend the "best interests of the child" then dangle carrots in front of you to incentivize you to make decisions that will ultimately hurt your child.

So instead, I suggest you trust yourself, try to be fairminded, and get a do-it-yourself divorce without lawyers in order to keep it amicable. Then nobody goes through a wringer to line anybody else's pockets. As pope John Paul advises: "If you want peace, work for justice." Keeping it amicable is the most important thing; and therefore whether we act in fairness toward one another makes all the difference in producing the result we want: an amicable divorce.

If do-it-yourself divorce is too hard, then look in the yellow pages to find an ad in the lawyers section that emphasizes amicable divorce and charges a guaranteed flat fee. Once it turns confrontational (which most lawyers promote because it fattens their paycheck), then a necessary transition becomes an ugly battle and everyone suffers, especially your child. So do try to avoid that if possible. The very first question you should ask a lawyer who claims to offer amicable divorce settlements is: "Do you guarantee a flat fee?" If they don't clearly answer yes, you've got a lawyer on the line who will dangle carrots in front of you in order to turn it ugly so he can earn more.

Children need their fathers much more than is commonly believed, and your child will suffer more if she completely loses her father (no matter how messed up his life is). So it's not a matter of how to get rid of him, but rather how to give your child the best of all worlds. Also your (ex) husband is likely to react more strongly and try to battle you in the divorce if you don't reassure him that you will support his parenting involvement after the divorce. It may be tempting to think in terms of cutting him out of the child's life completely, but that is part of what makes it turn ugly. Instead I suggest you give him reassurances that you want him involved in the child's life, settle the divorce amicably, and give your child every possible innoculation against cult mind control.

The good news for you is that where a child has a choice of two environments, Witness and non-Witness, the statistics are definitely in your favor. Such children almost always choose the non-Witness environment because it's easier; so sharing your child probably does not mean losing her to the cult. Still she needs you to completely recover from your experience from the cult and explore cult dynamics enough to give her the very precise innoculations she needs not to be seduced by the cult when she is with her father. By helping your child build her critical thinking faculties, forearming her with knowledge about what deceptive tactics to watch out for, and by providing your child with a healthier more rich and balanced environment, you will be giving her the foundation she needs and protecting her from seductive cults.

She need never learn to hate her father, rather can think of it like Spiderman in the movie "Spiderman 3" or Jim Carey in "The Mask". The child's father  is not a bad guy, he's just wearing a mask that makes him do things he would not normally do, a mask that's hard to take off; and he hasn't figured out how to take it off yet. Still he loves her and will always take good care of her.

Your child will eventually thank you to still have her father in her life rather than have a mystery to explore later in life, just to be sucked in to the cult then. She will especially thank you if he eventually wakes up and leaves the cult for a healthier more balanced life. I think this is the path with the least associated risks and the greatest likelihood of success, so you and your child can have the best of all worlds.

I'm so sorry you have this struggle to deal with. May you have as much success and clear-minded guidance and joy as you can have. May your (ex) husband take off his mask, recover from his nightmare, and begin to build a healthier more balanced life. May you have success in your recovery on multiple fronts and achieve a divorce settlement that works. May God help you find your way on your new spiritual path, wherever it might lead. All members of your family deserve their highest possible good, and you are on your way.

Be careful. Make informed choices. Please let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes,
Andrew