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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/x witness husband
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QUESTION: my husband being an ex jehovas witness is very passionate about pursuing cults and false thinking...sometimes wen i disagree with him i am accused of arguing...i feel that he is trying to control me at times...and i stand my ground as a christian i am not a doormat...he studies for hours a day and still doesnt get it...is it that bad coming out of the witnesses..and could i handle this in a better way
ANSWER: Dear Samantha,
It's good that your husband is pursuing these things, because it is an aspect of his own personal recovery. Those who work at their own recovery, as your husband is doing (even if only indirectly), are much better off because those who do not never recover.
One of the effects of a long Witness experience (or any experience involving extensive deep deception) is having an obsessive need to know what's true. As a Witness, he may have had a false comfort of thinking he knew the truth about everything that mattered. On discovering falsehoods there, it is understandable that he might feel the need to rediscover the truth elsewhere.
There is also a point he might eventually reach where this obsessive need to know "The Truth" becomes more mellow, where there is no longer an obsessive need, but only a balanced respect for truth and a recognition that each of us only has a part of "The Truth", and that "The Truth" is something much bigger than any one of us can fully possess in absolute terms, as Witnesses are conditioned to believe they already do. (I am here telling more about my recovery path than your husband's, and perhaps projecting that he may hold some of this in common with me.)
Witnesses are conditioned to allow others to cross their personal boundaries to a distorted degree, especially with respect to idealogy. Your husband, if he was a typical Witness, was conditioned to let the elders and the organization influence his thinking patterns without the filter of his own critical thinking faculties.
If, at any point, he employed his critical thinking faculties, which are a part of our god-given nature, he would have been accused of "independent thinking". This is the gravest of the Witness "talmud" of possible sins. His accusing you of "arguing" when you behave in a natural way by defending your mind space and exercising normal personal boundaries sounds very much like how he would have been accused and taught to accuse others in the past.
So this behavior of accusing you comes from his past experience. His process of "pursuing cults and false thinking" are perhaps a way he uses to re-establish his own formerly dormant natural critical thinking faculties. He must first allow himself to fully reawaken his critical thinking, and become acclimated to such use, before he will be able to allow you to use critical thinking and see it as normal and proper.
It is very bad coming out of the Witnesses. Please try be patient with him, as he is moving in the right direction based on what you say here.
To learn how you can handle the situation in a better way, I suggest reading some books on the subject so you can understand his past experience and/or recovery process. Are there other relatives who are still Witnesses?
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: yes there are other brothers who were witnesses ...three altogether..could u suggest a good book...my husband has actually told me to stop speaking to him at the moment because i stood up for myself..he is away at the moment so this is quite difficult..i hope he can see that he cant just invade my personal space and throw scriptures at me
i guess i should just leave him to think it through..sometimes its all just a bit too heady for me..i have a personal relationship with jesus and dont need to talk about it all the time..i get tired of being made wrong also...thanks for your help it has been great and she lots of light on the situation...
Dear Samantha,
So it sounds like your husband and two of his brothers are all former Witnesses. This is actually good news in a way. If they were STILL Witnesses, then there would be more difficult issues.
Since they are all FORMER Witnesses, then at least they are not still consciously committed to Witness dogma and behaviors even though they may be unconsciously more or less.
I doubt your husband can "see that he can't just invade my personal space and throw scriptures at you". That concern goes to the core of his struggle. If he continues his recovery, he will eventually see this, and it is up to you to show him it is a priority for you. But he may or may not be able to open his eyes in the way you need him to on the schedule that you need him to. So your decision will be whether you can afford to wait for his schedule. People can only progress at the rate they can progress, and they can only hear what they are ready to hear.
You're right to stick up for your personal boundaries and draw lines at times when he goes too far. You're right that others should not make you feel "wrong". I hope that you and your husband are able to find harmony despite this difficult problem. It's very hopeful that you are both moving in the right direction, so if you can afford to be patient, perhaps it would be for a reasonably short time.
You are moving in the right direction because you are defending your space and trying to understand him. He is moving in the right direction by reclaiming his mind from his oppressive Witness experience.
Former Witnesses may still have lots of sensitivities, so we still may have to watch out what we say around them, just as we do with current Witnesses. In view of the fact that your husband and brothers in law are at varying stages of recovery, and therefore are likely to have sensitivities about anti-Witness material, I suggest the book "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan, because it does not specifically mention Witnesses, so is unlikely to directly trigger them in this way, yet is very applicable. Also I suggest it because it is fairly easy to read and will give you a deeper insight into their recovery process.
I understand how it "is all a bit to heady for you". It feels that way to me too. And some day your husband will look back on these days and wonder why he was so "heady". There is no other mode of being for Witnesses except the "heady" mode. Living in their hearts or just calmly without the drama are modes of being that require balance which is completely out of reach to persons who have been through what they have. Thank goodness he is moving along. At least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you and he.
Please make sure he understands how vital it is that he continue working at his recovery. You can tell him a "Cult Recovery Counsellor" said so. After you finish reading "Releasing the Bonds" you will have a much better idea of what you're up against and how you can respond to the situation.
If you have any further specific questions, please feel free to write me again.
May you have peace and ease and harmony.
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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