AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. Date: 5/28/2008 Subject: Serious Boyfriend Doesn't Invite Me To Family Functions
Question I am a 38 year old divorced lady and have been dating a 37 year old man long divorced man for 8 months. He introduced me to his college
age daughter and one one of his close cousins which was with him when we met, but won't invite to family functions
such as his brother's wedding and his grandmothers funeral. He said the
reason was because his family were rumor mongers and like to stir up trouble in people's relationships.
I told him that I know I can handle myself but he insisted that he didn't
want to expose me to that. I told him I was my feeling were hurt and if he excludes me from his
family functions I must exclude him from mine because I can only give him
the level of intimacy he gives me. He said that when he used to take his ex-wife around the family they would make him angry because they would make negative comments about her and their daughter. W? I have already introduced him to my closest family members and even taken him home for Christmas. I wonder if I should limit his involvement in my life know since I will never be part of his family although he said he only interacts with them only when he absolutely has. He kept his ex-wife and daughter away from them also.
Answer Hi.
This is an excellent question and a very good example of one of the most common challenges in midlife dating...actually common in any intimate relationship...the problem of extended family. There three biggest challenges that lead to divorce are money, sex and in-laws, not necessarily in that order. Some psychologists call this a "boundary" issue.
My discussion of this will be sort of complex, so forgive me. I hope I am able to present my views clearly. Feel free to follow up.
In your situation the sentence that leap out at me was this one: I told him that I know I can handle myself but he insisted that he didn't
want to expose me to that.
I think he misspoke. I would guess the more accurate statement would be that HE didn't want to expose HIMSELF to that.
I wonder if he'd put it to you that way if it would have changed your thinking.
I think your initial impulse MIGHT be right. Your initial impulse is for you to scale back your involvement with him so the deal is symmetrical. You limit his involvement in your family's life as he limits your involvement in his.
This will put some pressure on him but I'm not sure that this pressure will get you what you want.
I think what's next is a more candid conversation with him about all this.
The fact that he felt he had to protect himself and his last immediate family from his extended family, does suggest that his family indeed might be toxic to him. It also suggests that he is trapped by them and how crazy he thinks they are. However the way he describes the challenge is vague (or at least it is in your presentation and maybe it is in his as well.) What's really needed here, I think, is a far more precise and penetrating description of exactly what it is he fears and why, at his age, he fears it. Then you can accept as a problem to solve together rather than a barrier your intimacy and an externally imposed limit on his ability to form intimate partnerships.
Therefore, I think you are having the wrong argument. You are arguing that you can take care of yourself and that you can handle whatever it's about. I think the more productive discussion is first a clearer definition of what it is that they in fact do, and what is the impact on him and why it has that impact. Then you can discuss whether there is a way for you as a partnership to deal with it.
Under the current framing you (and anyone else, apparently, who gets close to him) is always on the outside. They have a claim on him which prevents him from forming a partnership. That's probably not good but he's not found a way to deal with it.
Okay. Let me know what you think.
You might want to show this to him. If I were to be involved counseling I'd want to work with both of you.
You may respond directly to me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
