AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question Everyone is saying our relationship is very unhealthy because we have been together for 3 years and still have never had an arguement. None of either our previous relationships have been like that.
Also in all previous relationships the romantic stage has passed through in less time than than this as three years into the relationship we are still strongly involved in very romantic interactions with each other on a daily basis and emailing each other hourly when at work, like most relationships are at the very start.
Unlike previous relationships, our current one does not seem to be maturing like normal relationships do and is still actually intensifying 3 years into it.
To add to it, we are both in our 50s.
Can you advise on this. What are we doing wrong and what are the unhealthy consequences which will result is we continue like this? For something to be unhealthy, it surely must be detrimental. Everyone can say our relationship is not healthy, but no-one can be specific why, in terms of consequences. To us the detriment is not obvious - please can you explain what is wrong with it?
Regards
Gill
Answer Hi Gill,
If you'd asked my mother (1917-2006) how things were going and they were going well she would say fine and the do a mock spitting off to the side, "ptui, ptui," and this was because among Jews of the schtetl, if things were going well and you bragged about it then you would attract "the Evil Eye." Therefore when things went well, you had to pantomine that they weren't.
Too much good fortune makes people a little uneasy. I've heard interviews with movie stars who say, "my life is a great blessing and a gift and I never forget how fortunate I am and he easily it could have been different."
The common wisdom about relationships, not just midlife relationships is that you have to be ready, willing and able to handle the tough stuff because every relationship will have its challenges. The world is filled with people who hope for a relationship that doesn't have it's ups and downs and who actually resent having to work hard.
You guys may be exceptionally fortunate. Be grateful. If you never ever have a hard time, be extremely grateful.
If you have a hard time and you end up angry with each other and astounded at how out of sync you can get -- and you can handle what's outrageous withing becoming mean to each other -- be even more grateful. Couples who've survived those struggles know that even at the worst they have a partner who can be trusted because such struggles always reveal so much of a person's character and decency.
And if it never happens to you, be generous to others less fortunate.
Feel free to respond. You may write me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
