AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question QUESTION: Hi, Philip -
This is a continuing saga that I have written to you about a couple times. Once again I am very much in need of some advice.
I am a 58-year-old woman, divorced for almost 10 years and dating a man, Michael (divorced for 3 years), for almost 2 years. We are very compatible and 99% of the time things have gone great. We both felt that the other was the person we had been looking for all our lives.
Our only conflict was an ongoing one about living together. Maybe you remember my story. Last Sept. I rented a place for 6 months to take all the pressure off Michael (and me) and just enjoy our relationship, consisting of going to his place most weekends. I told him I would not bring up the topic of living together until he did and I stuck with that. The strategy seemed to have worked beautifully. In December he started talking about how he was getting to like the idea of living together. In late January, he said that he did want me to move in in a few months. He also asked what I thought about getting married. I said that I didn’t need to be married before moving in, but that I wanted it to happen relatively soon after that. I also told him that I wanted a romantic proposal since my ex-husband had never proposed. He agreed that I deserved that.
So we agreed that I would extend my lease a little and then move in in April or May. However, in mid-February I asked him which month he wanted it to be. This led to a very painful week in which he said he was having real anxieties over the whole thing. He didn’t contact me for a whole day. I finally reached him at work on a Wed. and I told him that I was very upset and needed to talk to him face to face. He said okay, what about the next day? I told him I couldn’t wait until the next day, that I was in pain. So when he left work, he drove out to my place. When I opened the door, he looked very frightened. He came in and sat down and we had a good talk. I told him that I understood it was a big move and that I was a little anxious myself. He said he felt better and then he left, saying that he just needed some time alone, which I said was fine. We had a good phone conversation on Friday, then he didn’t call on Sat. as promised. On Sunday he called and I told him I was pretty upset that he didn’t call as promised. We talked things through. He sent me the following email:
“Thank you Pam for staying in there with me this past week. I know I caused you to suffer, but I really do appreciate your help. In my own confused way I was asking for help, so thank you for staying conscious enough to not go postal and remain a calm presence. It was tremendous for me to be able to really talk to you on Wednesday, and you did a great job on Sunday morning, saying what had to be said, but in a way that made me feel it was coming from a loving source.
I'm feeling much better about our living together, I'm not stressed out. I remain committed to our loving relationship, and as is always the case, my confidence in our being able to work out whatever may come up has gone way up.
Lastly, I am truly sorry for hurting you.
You remain my beautiful love.”
So that was in Feb. and after that everything was going well. We settled on my moving in on May 30. I cancelled my lease, set up a mover, and started moving things to his house. He cleaned out his basement for my things, measured my furniture and started figuring out where to put it. He did say that once in awhile he still got anxious, but that he knew it was just his mind and that he was committed to doing this. He also talked about my getting on his health insurance policy and whether to file next year’s taxes jointly, things we could only do if we got married, of course.
I went over to his place last Saturday morning. I told him I was feeling a little anxious. I just wanted reassurance. He said that he really wanted me to move in, to feel loved and wanted, and to feel that our house was a place of refuge for me. Then we went to breakfast. Driving back, he said, “I probably shouldn’t even say this, but if things don’t work out, I will help you get set up someplace else.” Well, that really upset me because I thought we were both on the same page - that this was the right thing to do and that we were entering into it as a permanent step.
We got back to his house and I said I thought I might just go back home, but I went inside and we talked. Everything was going fine. I was crying, but he was doing a great job of comforting me. Then suddenly, everything seemed to change and he said he was not feeling good at all and needed to be alone. I said okay and left. But halfway home I pulled over and called him. I said, “This just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think this is the right way to handle this. We love each other, right?” He said yes. I said, “So let’s deal with this. Let me come back to your house. You can be alone, but I need to be able to be in your house.” He said no, it wasn’t what he wanted. I said, “Do you realize the ramifications of this? If I can’t be in your house, then we’ll never be able to live together. That’s the message you’re sending.” He stuck to his guns, so I said, “Okay, it’s your decision.” And I went home. I was very upset. I called a few hours later and left him a message saying I didn’t feel good about this at all and I hoped we could talk. Later that night I sent him an email and said I still loved him and was willing to help him deal with his anxieties, but that I just couldn’t deal with being stonewalled.
I spent an agonizing day on Sunday and didn’t hear from him until that evening. He sounded very upset and said that he just wasn’t ready to live with anyone. I told him I had already gotten that message the day before. He said he was calling because he was concerned about my lease. I told him not to worry, that I would call the rental company the next day. He said he was not feeling good at all and wasn’t going to stay on the phone. I said good bye and hung up.
Much to my surprise, he called me Monday afternoon at his usual time. He said he just wanted to say hi and asked if he could call me in the evening. I said of course. He did call but not until past his bedtime. He said he had fallen asleep, but didn’t want me to think he had forgotten me. He said he was sorry the weekend had turned out so badly, that it wasn’t the way he had wanted it to go. Then he said he was going to go to bed. I assumed that he would call me the next day. But now it is Wednesday night and he has been totally incommunicado for two whole days.
One background note is that after we had been dating for 3 months, he just went totally incommunicado for no reason. I just gave up on him after emailing twice and never getting a reply. He called me two months later and we resumed dating. We talked about this extensively and I forgave him. He said he realized he had handled it very badly and was not proud of it. He said he had found himself falling in love and it freaked him out. He didn’t know what to do so he just stopped communicating. He promised he wouldn’t do that again. He said that he had been totally miserable for our two months apart and that he thought about me every day until he finally realized that he needed to listen to his heart and call me.
So here I am now, finally seeing a very definite pattern to how this man handles his anxiety - he just totally clams up and puts up a barrier. But I am really devastated because in so many ways he is a really wonderful person. Except for these lapses into non-communication, he has treated me very, very well and I have loved him with all my heart. In so many ways he is very conscious and wise about what he is doing. He has occasionally gotten anxieties that he says are related to his childhood and his marriage, but he recognizes that those things are over and done with. And on the occasions when he confided his worries to me, he was very happy that I accepted him and didn’t expect him to be perfect. He said that he’s still learning and that he was never able to reveal things like that to his wife.
Based on past experience, and the fact that I think he really does love me, I am figuring that he will get back in touch - whether it’s in a few days, weeks, or maybe even months. So I am asking for your advice on how to handle this if/when he calls. I still love him, but after all this, I just don’t know how I would ever trust him again. It took me a long time to feel secure about his love, but I finally did. It would be difficult to get that back. I don’t see how he can love me but cause me so much pain. I also think that he has issues that are too big to overcome on his own. I think if we were to get back together, I would have to insist that he (or both of us) see a counselor. He said in the past that he would be willing to do that.
Right now I am thinking I should not make any attempt to contact him, just wait and see if he will get in touch with me. I have had a hard time finding good men to try to establish a relationship with. Michael seemed like my dream come true and he felt the same about me. It makes me very sad to have such a good thing come to such an abrupt end for no reason that I can really figure out. But sometimes I think I should just get a dog and forget about trying to find a human partner!
Thanks very much in advance for any advice you can give me.
Pam
ANSWER: Hi Pam,
The mistake is to enter counseling with the goal of "fixing the relationship." The appropriate goal is figuring why you guys go back and forth. I'd be inclined to trust that there are good reasons why you guys do this dance. I'm sure he does love you and I'm also sure he is afraid to go further with you and there might be good reasons for this but you guys only know them in a vague way and you need to know them is a clear and precise way.
When you as a couple get into these difficulties in the past you end up with only more confusion. I can hear how he doesn't trust you, or maybe any woman based on his experience with his ex. It's also possible that at first there was more trust between them and they mishandled stuff so she got very testy.
I say get counseling now, for both of you, for the sake of honoring what you guys have, could have, and have had. Counseling should help you have a clearer sense of how to deal with these things.
I doubt that anything will change without it, except you guys might end up more hurt, more angry and more guilty for all that's gone on. That's not a very desirable outcome.
I do this work and do it on the phone and would be happy to talk with you about it. Contact me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Thanks
Philip
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi, Philip -
Thanks for the reply, but I was wondering if you could address the very immediate question of whether I should contact him or wait for him to contact me.
I was talking to a good friend yesterday. Her father walked out when she was 8. That's the same thing that happened to Michael at the same age. My friend says that as a result of that she has separation anxiety. She feels that when I told Michael last week that I was going to go home, that that's what touched off his anxiety. I minimized my action in my own mind because I did sit down and talk to him and thought we were resolving things. However, I admit that when he called me for our brief conversation last Sunday, one of the first things he said was, "What would have happened if you had gotten in your car and gone home?" I said that I had planned to talk first. He said that that's not what I had said (which is true). So obviously it had some affect on him.
My friend thinks that I should just send him an email and tell him that I still love him and leave it at that. So I'm not sure what to do. One factor is that I am leaving early Wed. for a week with my son in Arizona. On the one hand, I would like to have some sort of communication before I leave. On the other hand, I'm thinking that maybe another 10 days of silence would allow us both to sort things out better in our minds.
Answer Maybe you are right about the separation anxiety,...not a bad theory...then send him a message, email, explaining your intentions, where you are going, how you can be reached and so on. Ask for confirmation that he got your message and that's all. Then go.
Respect his fears. Be kind. But set limits. Again, sounds like therapy is a necessity.
If he isn't willing to step up and take some responsibility for his side, get counseling, send clear messages and so on, there's no hope.
