AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
I've been dating this gentleman for quite some time now. He seems really nice, sweet, kind, funny, and does seem genuinely interested in me. He is very generous with his money and goes all out for me. Very respectful and dependabe, reliable, etc. He has not pushed me to be physically or sexually intimate with him although he knows how much I desire him. He is very gentle with me. I am surprised he is not trying to get into my pants yet.
Sometimes he invites me over for dinner or to watch movies but then drives me back to my place. So he isn't trying to get me to stay over to his place. Since I do desire him, we've been staying together every single night because I want to. But it has not gone all the way to having sex yet, I'm not sure why when it's obvious we're crazy about each other.
I have some friends who know his whereabouts and they told me he isn't messing around or flirting with other girls. He has a picture of me on his desk at work and talks about me often. His facebook and myspace say that he is in a relationship with me. He has told other people he thinks I'm very special, doesn't want to rush anything with me, and could see himself settling down with me in the future.
I looked him up on Google, and found he keeps an online blog about his sexual exploits. In this blog, he writes about every girl he has had sex with and what he does with each of them. He talks about all the girls he has had one night stands with and jeers and laughs about the ones he doesn't like.
Also, I kept reading, and I found that when he meets a girl at a bar and takes her home, when the woman doesn't sleep with him, he seeks revenge. He brags about blowing his cum all over girls faces and rooms and beds etc when they are sleeping...just to get them back. Then he laughs about it with his online friends.
And it's not always sexual stuff or necessarily with women. Whenever anyone does anything to him, he does not deal with anger well. He does a lot of really nasty stuff to both men and women who anger him. He always seeks revenge.
So that blog was up until the point he met me. My friends asked him if it was true, and he said yes. He still hasn't taken the blog down. So I must ask you now. I was very shocked and disturbed finding this blog about him. I can't believe that this guy was like this.
Should I have a discussion about this with him?
Should I run screaming for the hills?
I don't want to take the chance to piss him off or anger him some way sexually and then have him take that kind of revenge out on me one day. We haven't had any fights but that doesn't mean that in the future we won't. We're bound to have SOME sort of disagreement at some point.
Also from his blog...it is apparent that he never confronts these individuals or tries any type of conflict resolution. He just does nasty stuff to people behind their back, and it is his own little ego trip that he has sought revenge and they never find out. (unless they read the blog of course which is unlikely as he doesn't mention any names)
This was an aspect of his personality I didn't know. He is truly Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I thought what we had was great and wonderful, but I do not want to be naive and think that I'll be any different or special from those girls he laughs about. What should I do.
yours,
Emily
ANSWER: Hi Emily,
thanks for a very interesting question.
We can only guess here but guess we will.
He sounds both old fashioned and also low functioning. The "old fashioned" stuff is the division of women between Mandonas (you presently) and whores ( you at some time in the future.)
The low functioning part is in two places: the belief he holds that he is entitled to take revenge on people he doesn't approve of, or on people who do things he doesn't approve of, or both. It is also revealed in the way one part of him (the mean spirited bigot) isn't acknowledge by the other part (the sexually repressed "good" boy.)
However, even though his consciousness can't accommodate or modulate both sides of his character, you can bet that both sides come out all the time.
The mistake is to think that somehow you are so "good" that you will not be subject to his mean and unforgiving nature.
The revenge stuff is quite dangerous and you can certainly expect that one day you will experience it directly, especially if you become intimate partners with him.
You asked
1. "Should I have a discussion about this with him?"
2. "Should I run screaming for the hills?"
I'd say certainly yes to #2 and maybe yes to #1. My guess is that if you do #1 you might trigger his revenge side. But I'm less certain about this.
What I think will happen is that you will hear an elaborate series of justifications for why he thinks it's okay to punish people. I am surprised he hasn't already told you his justifications.
He is probably proud of his ability to inflict pain on people and he will want you to know about that, and you do, (he does brag on the web about such things.) This is one of his many ways of controling people around him.
Let me know what you do and how it works out, okay? Also, please let me know whether my guesses sound right. You may write me confidentially at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Philip
You'll study this. At some point he will expect you to study it and to learn to keep yourself in line so as not to incur his wrath.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: If you were me, what would you do if you found out information like this about the person you were dating.
Leave?
And do people like this ever change?
Answer Hi.
I re-read my answer. I suggest leaving soon.
Do people like that ever change?
Not always. Often they have to take some very hard knocks and even then...it's a tough road.
He glorifies hurting people. He defends this practice. You will eventually be a victim.
