AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. Date: 6/11/2008 Subject: 5 year relationship is all about "him"
Question I have been in a five year live together relationship. To me its all about him. He never inquires about my day, my job, my feelings etc. It all about his needs being met. When i bring this to his attention he yells back and says its not true. Is he in denial or something or just acting like a child. I have put up with this crap for five years. for some reason i just can't let go of him. He tends to make decisions on impulse without even talking to me about it. This is no relationship and very "one sided" i need some advice quick.
Answer HI.
Nice question.
It's your wake up call. You have baggage that makes you tolerate and even cultivate relationships like this. At some people men and women who do this have this huge "Wait a minute!" moment. This is yours. Use it well.
For people with the particular style you have these relationships are very seductive. In some senses you encouraged his dependency on you in the early days. After five years, you know, you are as responsible for the design of that relationship as he is.
The quick advice is get out. (More on that in a minute.) The next thing to do is to get into therapy and get a sense of what it is about doing relationships this way that attracts you.
Your pattern isn't that unusual and it would take us about three hours to unpack it and see it's roots and all that. It will save you a lot of time and angst in the future. So give the second suggestion some thought.
As to the first one. The minute, the second, you decide that you are perfectly willing to walk away, and with a light heart (that's the critical trick) and even some relief, he will switch tactics and become needy. You are so kind and nurturing that you don't see how extremely dependent he is on you.
In order to get back together, he'd need to do some personal work as well. The personal work will be less frightening for you. It will be scary for him. When he attacks as he does, read that as a sign of how threatened he is.
You may write me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
