AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. Date: 6/17/2008 Subject: Midlife Dating in a n Unusual, Transitional Situation?
Question Hi! I'm a very attractive, tall, fit 53-year-old woman with a lot to offer a relationship. I'm looking to find The One--someone with whom I can travel, explore, adventure, and pursue music (I play guitar) alternative health (I'm a hypnotherapist--would like to set up a practice with someone involved in a similar field) and much more. The problem is that I'm in a transitional period in my life; trying to rebuild after losing everything. Five years ago, I contracted Lyme disease--I am finally regaining my health after much treatment, but it ate up all my savings, and I am now living on SSDI, repaying debts (although I do own a small house in Montana, have not lived there yet...) Am trying to rebuild my life, but "on paper," I sound like someone with a lot of problems. Au contraire, I've had to dig deep and gain a lot of strength to make it through all this! But how do I explain this without sounding like a loser? Worst of all, I am currently staying in a room at the home of an EX-boyfriend -- I help him with house and yard work, but other than that, it's free of charge. We have both agreed that it does not work as far as a relationship. I am looking to move out asap, and I have some flexibility (if not funds) as to where I go (although I have daughter and grandkids in SF Bay Area) -- I still find myself stumped, because it will not work to date while I'm living here, but I draw a blank when it comes to "where am I going to live?" If I move to Montana, I will be completely free, living in my own place, but away from family and in a much smaller pool of singles. My money is going into the MT house now, so I really don't have the funds to rent another place... Even though we are no longer involved, this ex-BF would not handle it well were I to resume dating while living under his roof. I do see people dating others from a long distance away, but frankly, I don't understand the logistics of this. I certainly wouldn't expect to start living with a person I just met! I don't have the funds to take a temporary apartment, stay in a motel or whatever -- I am used to being self-sufficient, and have never been in a situation like this. How do people do it? And how should I present myself? I'm a former IT professional who was laid off, took the opportunity to move cross-country to CA, where I'd always wanted to live. I had some savings, and things were going well at first -- I was involved in building new careers as a hypnotherapist and medical transcriptionist when I got a tick bite when hiking. Took 3 years to get diagnosed. By then, I was broke. I am definitely a risk-taker (although less so than I used to be.) I just happened to get a tick bite at the worst possible time in my life. I'm incredibly thankful to have most of my health back, and am more aware than ever of the preciousness of life -- I really want to find a partner to enjoy mine with! I am not sure which problem to address first. Do I have to have all parts of my life back in good working order before I try to re-enter the dating pool? From reading various personals, I know I have a lot of qualities that men seem to be looking for.. I just get really stuck on the "where do I live" issue. Any answers will be appreciated! (If the question even makes sense. It's a rather convoluted situation.) Thanks very much!
Answer Hi Annie,
You sound like a very interesting person. I have lots of friends like you and I'm sure my partner and I would enjoy you and appreciate you.
I worked with someone who had to go through lime disease. We live in the woods in New Hampshire and it's starting to be a worry up here, too.
Single life is hard up in the wilderness.
I think you are sorting it through in about the only way it can be done.
The big problem seems to be your living situation.
I'd have a talk with the guy who has you as his guest. It doesn't sound like you guys are very clear with each other. If he's not interested in building a relationship with you, then he ought to be willing to support you in your search. Why would he be "not handle it well"? Makes me think there is more there than you guys are admitting. Maybe you guys should sort that out. Usually in cases like this there is something so emotionally loaded that neither person wants to talk about.
As for re-entering. Think about "remedial dating." That's where you allow yourself to experience a few dates with the goal of learning how your intuition works in these situations. It's more to get your feet wet than to find a life partner...which is a very big project.
Long distance relationships work if you have the money to do it and/or if you want someone who is a 'friend with benefits' and you don't want to have the problem of a messy break up when you want to get more serious. They usually break down when things get serious because it's so hard to give them the big test run without disrupting the rest of your life structure. The long distance is a blame free way of breaking up.
You ought to have an idea of how you are going to take care of yourself and have that in place before you start looking for a life partner. If you can solve that without knowing where you will live, that's okay.
Does this help?
You can respond directly to me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com.
