AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question QUESTION: ------------------------
I am a 26 year old woman. I like a guy who is 39 years old and he seems to like me a lot. We are both in medical school together and we are both going to become doctors. He was in the army for 10 years prior to coming to med school. he has been through A LOT in the army.
He seems lonely and kind of horny too. But I can tell he's basically a good guy and has been hurt by women in the past so I'm willing to give him a chance. I like him a lot.
Despite his age, experience, and his good looks, he seems very simple and also seems to have no clue as to how to move things forward with a woman. I find this odd considering how many long term girlfriends he's had.
Ok so what can you tell me. I've never dated a guy older than me, all the guys I've dated are young 19-24 range.
So maybe it will be nice to date a real man for a change ... instead of training a boy... or changing diapers (just kidding)
Can you tell me any problems you see with our age difference?
He's almost 15 years my senior
thanks
~ jaci ~
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Hi Jaci,
Thanks for the question. Sounds like you do like getting your hugs. And yes, it is pretty universal. You do have a philosophical streak in your mind, it seems.
Lonely. Horny. Basically good. A little wounded. Nice physical connection.
That's your initial profile of it. It's a tad impersonal. Also, I would not be surprised to learn that the profile could also be applied to you. Think about that.
The age difference probably isn't a big deal. According to your profile he's at about the same level of adult development as you. The problems I see are that you are very early in this and you are going to learn a lot about yourself as you learn about him. However, you seem to take an intellectual distance from your own emotional processes and that will diminish your relationship and emotional intelligence and your ability to learn. I could be wrong in this impression. I've had a very limited encounter with you but I thought I'd mention it.
You may respond directly to me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Philip
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Dr. Belove,
He is married!!! With 3 kids!!!
Yet he is brazen and pressing his legs into mine on the bus.
And I get a text message from him, he had called me asking about a restuarant but i missed it.
anyway then i get this text message from him.
it says "i am alone out on my balcony at night, staring out at the ocean, in the dark and in the rain, thinking about food"
ummmm.............what the hell?
he is so wierd....
is he psychotic? or just really horny?
~jaci~
ANSWER: Oh Thank you so much for this follow up.
So this is the real story on Mr "Lonely. Horny. Basically good. A little wounded. Nice physical connection."
What a laugh! It explains a lot about the mix of signals you were getting.
Is he psychotic? Just Really Horny?
Your choices don't include enough.
I think a lot of what you are seeing could be simply what happens when a man with a conscience is also lying and cheating and horny.
If he's lying and trying to get something going on the side then all that will make him appear sort of twisted, or psychotic. I wouldn't know if he is technically Axis I or anything like "psychotic." But he just sounds like he's trying to seduce you...or more correctly, trying to get you to seduce him.
There's still the undercurrent of all that you bring to this encounter. Let's not forget that.
Also, did you simultaneously just send me another question about passive men?
Anyway. Thanks.
Philip
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: What do you think spurred him to be so brazen and aggressive with me. I am a very friendly girl, and I'm pretty sure he knows I'm single, so do you think he misinterpreted that as my being very sexually interested in him?
Or would it have been just about anyone who is stuck in a bored, sexless marriage perhaps, when he saw me he just picked up the opportunity?
Or just finds me really pretty or something?
Answer Probably all of the above.
I'd guess he was motivated by a bored, sexless marriage (and he's in part responsible for that, of course.)
All men are somewhat promiscuous anyway.
He finds you both pretty and friendly and maybe also drawn to him.
He found something in you that encouraged his thought that he might be able to get something going with you. You probably basically liked what you saw and were entertained by his interest and that was encouraging to him. He probably was a little forward and you enjoyed it. All that and maybe a few more things.
