AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question i used to be realy good friends with this guy joel. him and i started being friends back in january and we were hanging out a lot because i had no other friends. joel was engaged to his long time girlfriend and was very much in love with her. so him and i hung out a lot and i thought he was a cool guy but i noticed whenever we went out, he was really aggressive and realy realy flirty with all the ladies, even married women, that we would meet on the streets he would just start hitting on them. he was aggressive and just didnt' care that everyone was staring at him, and i foudn it strange that he had a fiance but would basically be so sexualy forward with every single woman he talked to. seemed to me to be a bit disrespectful to his girlfriend/fiance.
so all of january and february we hung out a lot. then in february he kissed me on the bus and grabbed my breasts and butt when he was drunk. i pushed him away. but i didnt yell at him becuase the bus was full of eveyrone at my school. and i didnt want everone at school to be gossiping about it, so i didnt cause a scene.
plus it would be more gossip because this guy has a fiance and if word got around that he kissed me, it might start rumors and drama.
so after march we kinda stopped hanging out as much.
now it is june and him and his girlfriend have called off the engagement (no surprise there)
so now he is caling me and texting me and emailing me constantly and sending me gifts on facebook and myspace constantly.
when he calls me, i was on the other line so i couldnt pick it up. i looked at my cell later and saw that he had called me 6 times.
one day i was getting off the bus and he followed me off the bus and asked where i was going. i said the grocery store, and he said ok ill come with you. i said you have to get stuff? he said no, im coming to carry your groceries for you. i said, no, its gonna take me a long time, like hours, because i have to get a lot of stuff, id rather do it alone because otherwise youl be wiating aroudn forever. he said no, ill wait as long as i can for you. so he followed me around the entire store as i got groceries and i was getting annoyed, but oh well at least he helped me carry them.
so now he keeps calling me. i never returned any of his calls.
so i didnt see or hear from him for weeks.
so yesterdya i was going to get groceries, and i was walking back home with the groceries, and he was walking up the hill the oppsoite way and we crossed paths. he said "i'll give you a call tonight" and kept on walking wihtout waiting to hear my answer.
then he called me like 10 times that night but i couldnt pick up because i was on the other line on an international call and i coudnt hang up.
ok. i like him as a friend. but nothing more.
how do i get him to stop caling me?
also, the thing is he was SO nice to me at the beginning of the year, and he was my only friend. i dont want him to think that im ungrateful for his friendship or something.
like how do i tell him to back the fuck off...without making him go home and cry.
???
Answer You can not make it your problem that he might go home and cry.
I don't even think you can be "friends" with him. He has not concept of "friendship" with women. At best you can be "friendly" and use that "friendliness" keep him far away. He has some hard lessons to learn. You can see this. Take your perceptions and judgment of him seriously. Tell him, "We can be friends and nothing more ever. You are just not my type. Sorry." Leave it at that. Keep him away.
Do not try to help him. Do not become his therapist.
