AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question I'm 33, divorced for 6 years now and since then have been dating casually. I am a rare male that has no children of my own and am still very happy not having children.
I started dating a 37 year old that has four kids... 20,19, 15, and 5 about 9 months ago. The entire time we had decided to just keep it casual but super honest and real about how we communicate. So for months now we have been communicating that we were ok with our arrangement,that we whole heatedly love each other (we say it randomly) and even started to have sex without condoms (this was HUGE for me! I am a RELIGIOUS condom wearer not wanting any kids-she cant have anymore- not wanting a disease and not wanting my un attached heart broken...) then I lost my job and moved 45 min away. We almost ended it then when I left but it didn't feel right to either of us, so a month after I moved we changed our relationship to "we can date other people but to only be exclusive sexually" to one another because it feels "safe and comfortable." So now these feelings of mine are rapidly changing and I first worry that my feeling are not true. Maybe the distance is frightening, maybe it's my old baggage that my ex-wife left me when I was down and out with no job. We talked about it, she said things had changed with me and that I had been looking with her with vulnerable eyes. And wanted to know where I was at in this point in our relationship. I told her that our current arrangement was fine, "date whom you'd like" I said. I have always had the theory that a long leash was better than a short leash and that it was healthy for us to ensure that the grass really wasn't greener on the other side... I ask her last night "are we still seeing other people?" and she's a little bothered that she needs to re-iterate because we just had this talk. I say ok cause I'm not seeing anyone else and she responds "that would make me your girlfriend, I told you I'm not ready to be anybody's girlfriend at this point in my life." I don't hold my ground cause I'm unsure of my own feeling and say ok. She then tells me "I am the greatest man I have ever known" and I say "then I guess I have nothing to worry about, date whomever..." but then I ask one nagging question. "If your not looking for a husband, if your not looking for a father of your children, I am the greatest man you have ever known, and you want to sleep with me exclusively...then why would you even want to go on a date with another man?" She stumped and after a few seconds says "I don't know. cause I'm flirty and I like my independence."
So I feel like things are out of control. I'm afraid of telling her how I truly feel because she may not feel the same way. I'm afraid that if I do not tell her I may end up losing her. We have been exclusive sexually and romantically by choice. If I put the label GIRLFRIEND on her it really doesn't change how we have been rolling all these months except for the label? Is it ok to have a serious relationship, without trying to get married and help raise her kids? Cause she's not asking for that and never has. Do I even bother telling her and risk freaking her out, or do I hope the long leash catches her as it did me? I DO KNOW I love her, is that enough?
Answer There’s no telling whether your love for her is enough. You will be tested on it, that’s for sure. It might be that your love for her will change the fundamental deal you two had and thereby undo your arrangement, certainly it will cause a crisis.
You’re dealing with baggage -- stuff people carry with them and don't want to lose -- and it’s complex. I’ll do my best to explain it, or at least explain where I’m coming from. All I can do is give you some clinical impressions based on experience. These are educated guesses, so they could be right, half right, or just wrong.
First of all I’d take seriously all three parts of her comment to you: "I don't know. cause I'm flirty and I like my independence." She doesn’t quite know or understand why these priorities are as important as they are but they are. (Baggage is also sealed and you don't know what's in it but you do know it's important.)
She likes being independent and she likes the idea that she could, if she wanted to, snag the attentions of a man, even if she wanted nothing more than that, and she doesn’t want to have to worry about how that will effect you (independence.)
Another indicator of the independence priority is her heightened sensitivity to your vulnerable eyes. I read that as that was something she wasn’t comfortable with because she wishes to be kind and considerate but still independent. She also is extreme sensitive to needing to care for you emotionally. Perhaps with four children and a wish to be independent and also be honest she calls you on that.
In a sense, this kind of independence also suits you, or at least has and that might be why you are so comfortable not having children.
Keeping things casual for a very long time and also being super honest is about the only way for people who highly value independence to create intimacy. Also people who value independence very highly have a hard time knowing their true feelings because to have deep feelings about a relationship tends to compromise your ability to walk away from it, and that is the final test of independence. Your job loss may have put a dent in your ability to be independent and harder for you to get a read on your true feelings.
The label girlfriend will compromise her independence and so I doubt it would be acceptable.
You are both in the testing phase of your relationship and you guys are about to discover which is more important, those private matters that you like about yourself, especially your independence, or the relationship.
This is a fairly elaborate answer, even for me. Please do me the favor of sending extended feedback on this rather complex hypothesis. You may write me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com . You make also write a follow-up. If my theory is correct I would imagine that she also would agree and you two might even have a fairly interesting conversation about it. I’d be curious about how that comes out as well. Thanks again.
