About Leslie Meredith Expertise Navigate the dating scene with expert help and encouragement. Dating etiquette that works. How to make the most of online dating from the right photos to an irresistible profile. Who is right for you? When to respond and what to say. How to go from online to in-person. How to guarantee a second date ... if that's what you want! A spare and a pair: successfully dating more than one person at a time. Getting the exclusive when it's right for you. Write me with your questions: it's like having a best friend who only wants the best for you.
Experience A dating coach, specializing in "second time around" dating for men and women re-entering the dating scene after divorce. Also an online dating profile writer for e-cyrano.com for two years working with men and women across the country and around the world with excellent results. "The profile Leslie wrote for me was wonderful, and I really enjoyed speaking with her on the phone. I'm looking forward now to lots more fun in the future with all the dates I get!" -- Robyn, Sydney, Australia.
Expert: Leslie Meredith Date: 7/12/2008 Subject: lots of recent loss and now suddenly single at 35 and my 'rebound' doesn't know if he wants kids!
Question i have been dating the same guy for the past 2 years. we were friends for a few years before and got together after i was dumped by my 'boyfriend' with whom i was planning to move away with on the very day my father died. my current bf was my confidante during this time. i became somewhat self-destructive, unsure about my future, and had difficulty accepting 'why' what had happened, did. my current bf and i got together, after spending lots of drunken outings together, a month or two after all this other stuff occurred. i was confused about my life - i didn't know what direction i wanted. i now couldn't move to the city i was planning with my last bf. all three of us are over-trained professionals. there was tension and uncertainty over differing ethnic backgrounds - especially initial opposition by my newly widowed mother, who had always been my closest and best friend.
so while we were both finishing up our training, i decided i needed a fresh start. i told him i could not move for a guy again after what had just happened - and he understood that. so i moved away, and he stayed. i was uncertain if i wanted to be with him; my feelings were ambivalent about most things in my life at that stage. to top it off, my mother went off the deepend and disowned her children for a man that she met who was despised by all who met him. i lost her at a time when i needed her more than ever.
after my move, my new job turned out to be a horrible transition. the people i worked with were not nice, i dreaded going into work, and i had no one to socialize with. my bf and i would see each other every two weekends. during this time, i felt closer and closer to him. but he resented the fact that i moved away. one of us had to move if we were to be together, and i hated my job more than he hated his (though he never once offerred to move, stating why should he if i hated my job so much). so i started looking for positions nearer to him. i interviewed for various positions over 3 months (job hiring works very slowly in our profession). then, just a few weeks before my 35th birthday (he is 33), while we were planning a celebratory vacation, i was speaking with my friend who asked me, considering my age, do i want children. i did. but what did my bf want? we had talked about it early on in our relationship - i said i did, but not at that time, and he said he didn't know if he did. i told him i couldn't be with him if he didn't. he later rescinded saying he never considered it before, but has since being with me and he could see it in the future. (i have more dating experience than him). so back to the present day, i asked him again if he wanted kids. he wanted time to think about it, and then responded that he didn't know if he did. i told him it was a deal breaker - he said quite eerily he didn't want to 'share me', then said he just couldn't envision it now as we were not living together 'as a family'. he still resented that i moved away in the first place. he asked me to give him time to come to a decision as he wanted us to be together, to which i replied - while he was fully aware that he had all the time in the world, time was something i did not have. so i told him if he wasn't sure if he wanted kids, i could not stay with him. so we ended it. since then he has been rather nonchalant askng to stay friends, and that he would help me move. but i have been completely lost - my job is horrendous, i lost my father, my ego was shattered 2 years ago by what i thought was the 'love of my life', my mother has abandoned me, i hate the city in which i live, i have only looked at jobs in the area in which he lives, and the thought of us finally being together to start our lives together (which was my only glimmer of hope) has vanished. for the first time in my life i desperately need direction that i cannot find myself. oh, and the least of my issues is that my 35th birthday will be spent alone as i told all of my family and friends not to visit me in my new city as i was going to be away with my bf.
any and all advice is appreciated!
Answer Dear Maggie,
You have had to deal with so much in a very short amount of time. Be patient with yourself. It's okay to feel sad. The only way to get through this is to immerse yourself in the sadness, and then you'll be able to move on ... I promise.
I'm very encouraged to hear you broke it off with the boyfriend who did not want children. It's critical you pursue the things that are important to you for your long term happiness.
I am sorry everything feels so grim right now, but take it one step at a time. You have no ties right now ... sounds sad, but this is actually an opportunity for you to decide where you want to live and pursue a better work situation. Do what you want to do!
Before you tackle the big decisions, give yourself time to relax and have fun. Get out and do something interesting. If your finances allow, I'd opt for a short getaway somewhere fabulous. With the right attitude, you will come back feeling more sure of yourself than ever before. Regardless, get out of the house and immerse yourself in a relaxing environment ... whatever works for you.
When you're ready, make a plan. Decide where you want to live. Update your resume and schedule at least three job responses per week. Find small things to make you happy. Add a physical activity/exercise. Do not engage in conversation that will make you unhappy or angry. Avoid these people for awhile. It's all about you and that's a good thing.
