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About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience
Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Divorce Support > Dating at Midlife > teasing
Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Date: 7/17/2008
Subject: teasing
Question
Hi,
I am 26 years old woman. I live with two roomates, they are both 24. I'm a very beautiful woman and they are fat and ugly. But I have always been very nice, polite, and kind to both of them.
They have been treating me rudely ever since I first moved in with them, but I have always been considerate. I wonder if it is jealousy over my looks? I have not given them any reason to treat me rudely since I have always been kind.
Whenever we get dressed up to go out, they are always teasing me about my chest size. I am only an A cup being a very thin girl, and they are very obese, so they are like double D cup. But they are always making cruel comments. Saying "flat boobs flat boobs" and laughing constantly...it's August now and this has been going on since January.
I am really tired of the breast size comments and the teasing about it. Their breasts are ugly and sagging down to the floor, but I have never said anything about them being fat and ugly. I have never been mean to them even once. So they have NO RIGHT to tease me about my chest size.
How should I deal with this situation? What do I say when they keep on teasing me about my small chest size? It's an area I am very sensitive about.
thanks
Ana
Answer
Hi Ana,
I think it's already too toxic to fix and you'll have to either weather it or move or have a very difficult and sensitive conversation with your room mates.
The toxicity is serious. You might have figured something out by now but maybe not but sometimes having really good looks is a burden and it makes it especially difficult to connect with people who don't. You have to be so diplomatic that it becomes tiresome. I've worked with some people who are famously good looking. They have a great sensitivity to this issue.
I think things are toxic because you are referring to them as being "fat and ugly." Well those are harsh words and my sense is that there is a deep fight going on between you and them and some very bitter feelings.
They are being quite cruel to you. Chances are your distaste toward them is equally intense.
There are a few things you could do.
One, and maybe the first, is to come to terms with your breast size. That's really important. Be grateful to them to have challenged you this way so you can work this out early enough in your life. Be grateful you didn't do surgery. The breast size is meaningless in terms of your ability to nurse and certainly in terms of your attractiveness to men. There are guys who sort of go nuts about big breasts and their is a porn category for such guys. But really, if that's what their want you don't want them for a partner or a lover. At least for your sake I hope not.
Once you work that out in your mind you'll then have the challenge of dealing with the toxic roommates. They'll probably find some other way to attack you but my experience is that what bothers people more than the specific attack is that someone would actually want to attack you.
It doesn't feel good to be so actively disliked. That might be your window for the conversation. "Why are you guys so mean to me? Have I offended you in some way? Those comments hurt me and I think you know it and want to hurt me but I don't understand why."
Never ask a question like that unless you are willing to be silent, hear the full answer, think about it for a few days before responding.
If they give you an answer, listen carefully, say you will think about it and get back to them, thank them, say you are sorry.
Let me know what they say and I'll advise you further: drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Philip
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