Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 10/28/2009

Question
Have been dating a man for a year now and slept with him a number of times.
We get a long great, but he has too many issues and  I would like  to tell him I want to remain friends, but on a platonic level. My question is …….
Would he look at this as a slap in the face or think I am a bigger challenge to gain a relationship?. I require a mans point of view as to what you think the reaction would be?
Thank you for your time.


Answer
Joan, my prediction is that it will hurt him to hear this.

You probably have to say it anyway. It is simply a matter of taking good care of yourself.  

At the same time, my rule of thumb, which is pretty reliable, is that if a couple stays
together for more than three months, they have equivalent issues. Usually complementary ones, but sometimes, symmetrical ones, and they are a good match and they serve each other as resources for working out those issues. They challenge each other equally.

Or it could be that your issue is that you don't set limits, or that you are too "nice."

Even so, you may decide that what you require is going to be beyond his reach.  

After a year you owe him the honor of being specific and that will be a challenge for you. You will have to be very clear in your own mind and heart.  You will have to name your issues and his behaviors.

"Here are the things that I can not have as normal behavior in an intimate relationship:

You do this, this, this, and this.
I won't be in a relationship where these sorts of demands are placed on me.  Etc.
Think it over...."

Or,

"there is too much about the relationship I don't like. I want to stop."

These ways are better than saying,  in effect,  "You have issues"  (as if you didn't.)

If you want to take this to the next step,or if you want a  free consult to help you clarify your speech, let me know.

Philip Belove,Ed.D.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com