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About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience
Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.

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Dating at Midlife - platonic ?

Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 10/28/2009

Question
Have been dating a man for a year now and slept with him a number of times.
We get a long great, but he has too many issues and I would like to tell him I want to remain friends, but on a platonic level. My question is …….
Would he look at this as a slap in the face or think I am a bigger challenge to gain a relationship?. I require a mans point of view as to what you think the reaction would be?
Thank you for your time.

Answer
Joan, my prediction is that it will hurt him to hear this.

You probably have to say it anyway. It is simply a matter of taking good care of yourself.

At the same time, my rule of thumb, which is pretty reliable, is that if a couple stays
together for more than three months, they have equivalent issues. Usually complementary ones, but sometimes, symmetrical ones, and they are a good match and they serve each other as resources for working out those issues. They challenge each other equally.

Or it could be that your issue is that you don't set limits, or that you are too "nice."

Even so, you may decide that what you require is going to be beyond his reach.

After a year you owe him the honor of being specific and that will be a challenge for you. You will have to be very clear in your own mind and heart. You will have to name your issues and his behaviors.

"Here are the things that I can not have as normal behavior in an intimate relationship:

You do this, this, this, and this.
I won't be in a relationship where these sorts of demands are placed on me. Etc.
Think it over...."

Or,

"there is too much about the relationship I don't like. I want to stop."

These ways are better than saying, in effect, "You have issues" (as if you didn't.)

If you want to take this to the next step,or if you want a free consult to help you clarify your speech, let me know.

Philip Belove,Ed.D.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

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