Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 11/7/2009

Question
I have a very perplexing question.  Why do I have so many married men interested in me, telling me how beautiful I am and how sexy I am, but can't seem to get the single ones?

I am so astoundingly perplexed at the number of married men I have hitting on me.  And they all are very upstanding men in the community, a lawyer, a VP, a friend from the 9th grade.  All very handsome, very well known men.  And each of whom I have known as a friend for many, many years.  And they have never crossed any lines, although they let me know of their interest while I was in other relationships.   And I can honestly say that I don't feel that I have given them mixed messages as until just recently I was in a long term relationship with a man I loved very much and wouldn't have done anything to jeopardize that.  So I was flattered but never interested, and they knew it.

Now that I am not in a relationship, they are hovering.  And to that end, I blatantly told one that I knew he loved his wife so why in the world would he even think things like that.  And purposely stopped taking any calls from him, texts/emails.  one I have even tried to encourage him to go to counseling with his wife and tried to get him to see how horrible his life would become of he crossed that line. The other, I again refuse all calls, texts/emails but he will still show up at my door unannounced.  I now don't even answer the door. And YES I have told him very clearly that I wouldn't go there with him.

So... I truly, truly don't feel I have encouraged it.  I have merely been friends with these guys, through my marriage, my other relationships, and here they are.

Again, my question is, I am a attractive woman, each of these guys articulates that I am very bright, funny etc.  I have a good job, a home of my own, grown kids... but still for some reason I seem to not be able to find single ones interested... just married one.

What am I doing?

Answer
First, they are separate problems -- I'm pretty sure of that -- so don't conflate them. It will make it more difficult to understand what's up and what you need to do.

First the problem of married men:  These guys are lonely and their marriages have issues which have not been dealt with. As a consequence, the warmth and affection has dried up. They descended into relationship hell, the dead zone. A woman's contempt for her partner can be devastating. Also, such contempt is usually mutual. You've probably been there yourself. It's a very lonely place. You are a woman who has affection for them, who likes them and appreciates them and they have a hunger for that from a woman and the hunger is making them a bit nuts. Forgive them and maintain good boundaries. Also, as to the one who insists on calls and texts, warn him that if he doesn't stop you will simply collect them all and show them to his wife. You can be his friend but he has to honor and respect your privacy and status as a single woman.  

Cut him a little slack.  By the way, relationship hell is not like fiery torment but cool, dry, steady, shadowy and surrounded by hate. It's not dramatic. It's dreary. Figure he's dealing with something like this and is a bit starved. But at the same time, set limits on him. Do not rescue him.  Such men do this because it works and there are women who succumb to the flattery of being a rescuer. they usually regret it but only later.

I'm less sure of what to tell you about the single ones.  Often you have to do a little pursuing at first.  Best to decide on one or two that you are seriously interested in and extend yourself a bit. I could coach you more on that but I'd need specifics.

I'm interested in your feedback.  You may write me directly at drbelove@datingamidlife.com

Thanks again

Philip Belove, Ed.D.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com