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About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience
Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.

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Dating at Midlife - Cunfused

Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 11/1/2009

Question
Hi, I am hoping you can help me understand some things and maybe even put me on a path to make a decision about where this relationship is going.
I met this man 5 months ago, we were introduced to each other by my cousin. He has been divorced for about 2 years and I have been for almost 10 years. He is a good man, a bit gruff sometimes and a little bit of a loner. His family is very small where mine is very large. He is 50 and I am 49 so we are very close in age.
Things went VERY VERY fast at first. We spent alot of time together and intimacy came very quickly too. He has been insistent from the very beginning that he does not want just a physical relationship, but someone that he can do things with and enjoy everyday life with. Sex was great, and I say "was" because he put on the brakes...stopped on a dime. It's been about 2 months since the last time we made love. He said we needed to slow down, and he is right. Things were moving way too fast. In some ways we are alot alike. We have similar interest. Strong family values. I have met most of his family and get along well with them. He has also met most of my family and doesn't have a problem going places with me when there's family things going on. He goes to the nursing home with me to visit my grandmother and even attended my 12 year old grandsons birthday party a couple of weeks ago. We seem to want alot of the same things. He has said some things that lead me to belive that we had something special. But when he said to slow down he seems to have went back to a just friends level. I am very confused. Did he get scared of what he was feeling and truly wants to take it slow or is he trying to walk away without hurting my feelings?
I did as he asked and backed off, but if I don't call him after a couple of days he will call and ask why, he still invites me to diner and takes me with him for little things like going to his job and picking up paperwork, or we'll sit and watch tv together after dinner. He also shares personal problems with me and talks to me about things that bother him. But then he'll go for days without even calling. He has said several times that he is waiting for me to change...His ex really screwed him over. I think he expects me to end up being like her.
I end up taking things very personal and think that the lack of intimacy is because I'm not attractive enough or did something wrong to screw it up. I have to admit that I have a hard time talking to people on a serious level, because of a past relationship. I expect anger when I try to talk to someone and it makes it hard for me to just come out and ask serious questions. I know I need to talk to him, but I am hoping for an opinion from you first. I also have to admit that I am a very affectionate person, you know, the touchy feely type as they say, and he's not. He does hold my hand when we are walking and he'll give me a little hug and kiss sometimes, but that's where it ends. I don't understand how we went from being sexual to what we have now.
I went on vacation...one that was planned long before he came into the picture. He seemed to have missed me, but yet cut our first visit short and then called the next day to invite me to dinner. In all fairness he had been out of town for 3 weeks for work and had things he needed to catch up on too.
I got attached to him very quickly and now am so very confused..please tell me what you think. What's going on with this man?

Answer
Hard to tell.
I like that you have a sense that it might be a dynamic of the relationship. You describe also your own confusion, that you have a hard time talking on a serious level and so on.
As I read through your letter I wondered what he says when he talks about it and how you handle that conversation.

I also am puzzled by the almost complete shut down in sexuality.
It does sound like you guys have a good friendship. I've seen situations like this
and know that there are some men who really aren't that physical or lustful. It's possible that such is the case with him. You might get a hint about that by listening carefully to the story of how his marriage went wrong. Usually midlife couples share those stories and when they don't that says something important. Maybe the "change" he is waiting to see in you is how you handle a close relationship with no snuggles.

Every budding relationship has to face it's first crisis and sometimes you have to make the crisis happen, make a "controlled crisis." In your case it will be this: If this is what will be "normal" between the two of you, can you live with that?" So that becomes a topic of conversation between you. You will probably say, "I don't want this to be normal. I want a lot more physical affection with the man I love. I'm falling in love with you and that worries me. What's going on with you. We don't have to change anything right now, but I do need to know what's going on. Is this some kind of
test? Or is this how it's going to be?"

Then you'll have to drop me a note and let me know what he says.

Good luck,

Philip Belove, Ed.d.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

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