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About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience
Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.

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Dating at Midlife - The Dream

Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 11/2/2009

Question
Doc

I have a dream. A dream that the man I love, who also loves me, will end up together somehow...however...

I have known M. for 18 years and we have been together, exclusively for about the last (4). I met him right after my divorce in 1991 and fell head over heels in lust. Not having grounded myself yet from the divorce, I did end up getting attached to him and felt I loved him too. He did not want a commitment and so, heartbroken, I backed away. For (5) years we would visit each other on occasion and strike up the passion and friendship and start fresh again. I the one-up, always pursuing and he, the one-down receiving. That worked fine until I burned out from all the work and said enough was enough. We were apart for (7) years and after my father died and my other relationships fizzled, and he being still the uncommitted male; took him to the Virgin Islands. We had continued as friends over the (7) year span, stay connected but not sexual, and both started to realize the love that was there for each other.

M. is a Norwegian, unattached male who has big rejection issues from childhood that manifest in the form of claustrophobic responses. Expressing love and affection has never been easy for him unless it was sexual but through time, the love and trust he has in us has softened him.

Unfortunately, timing is everything and shortly after our return I lost my job. I took my savings and bought a duplex, fixed it up to rent AND found a new job with a start up company that I am very proud of but has required alot of extra working hours over the last (3) years to get to know how to run. He and I own separate homes that we have both fixed up on our own and love and we each have no children and don't want any. I have been busy and generally, pretty happy seeing Matt when I could but the stress of the new job has taken its toll and he has had hip and back issues from years of running toboggans down mountainsides as a ski patrolman. The pain has been excruciating for the last couple of years and he had a hip replaced in June. It affected his performance and my gaining 15 pounds from the stress of work and the strain of the relationship didn't help.

At this juncture, he has no work, is completely broke and just returned from visiting his family in another state. His mother has gone into a nursing home and the visit with her was very tough. He is depressed and as of yesterday has stated he needs to remove himself from the relationship because there is no spark between us. That as a man, he needs more and feels "married" to me. Oh, and he also just turned 50.

My duplex needs work and I offered to cover his mortgage payments for a time, in trade for carpentry work. Yesterday, we went over to talk about the work and he became defensive and depressed about doing the job. I told him we were a team and that I was there to help him and to stop acting spoiled. (General carpentry is NOT his forte though he is good at it.) Turns out he doesn't like the idea of working for his girlfriend; my paying him. I guess he feels emasculated, feels inferior to me. So the end result was, I told him to leave.

We have been committed to each other but its been a tough row with many balls to juggle on my side and time has slipped by. We have "protected" ourselves by building walls between us. I am 53 and building my career, finally! I am lucky to have what I have and can see some great things ahead for me. Yet, I feel like I am losing a very dear relationship. That I have chosen this to fail because it had always been I who kept it going. He says he is scared to loose me and scared to be with me. I, in earnest, said I was not scared to be without him but I was scared to be with him. I have often felt a relief to NOT have to be with him, happy to be away from the burden. I feel like the man I thought I knew, the strong virulent, capable, mysterious creature he was only (10) years ago, has disappeared. I have missed him, it seems, since the moment we got back together!

I'm not sure advise is the key here or just consolation...He has been so lost for so long and I have tried to give him an anchor...now it seems I have been a ball and chain...THAT hurts!

Answer
Dear Vicki, thanks for the note. No advice yet. What I'd like to do is send you a draft of an early chapter on baggage. It's a way of thinking about how relationships get stuck. I think you'll recognize your self in it and also Mark. That alone should open up a lot of possibilities for you.

It's an early draft, as I said and there may be a few typos etc. I really can't proof read my own writing until it is cold and this is still very fresh.

The "stop acting spoiled" comment was probably ill advised although you seem to have a pretty good handle on things in general. Still my take is that you are a bit too much for him although he also wants you to be as strong as you are, so it's a bit of a no-win for you. You got it right I think: scared to be without you, scared to be with you. I think the article/chapter will help you understand some of the dynamics better.

I'm not prepared to offer consolations just yet; the relationship seems to be pretty resilient. Maybe analysis first, then advice. Let me know if you want to see the draft.

Ask for it by writing me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

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