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About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience
Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.

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Dating at Midlife - More on dating father of out of control teen boy

Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 11/3/2009

Question
Hello, again. You gave some advice earlier that did give me some direction even though you felt maybe it didn't. I have since talked to a couple of counselors in person who advised me to not "give up the fight" for Tony since good relationships aren't easy to find these days. I think both felt I had not been assertive enough in letting him know I still care and want it to work out. They were not suggest getting back in his "space" but just sending an e-mail or card from time to time to let him know I'm still around and still care and being pleasant but letting him take the initiative to call. I did send a card last week--just a blank one with a handwritten note that said I was sending both Tony and Tyler a hug and a smile in hopes that everything was looking up in their world and that I still loved them and missed them. Tony called me and thanked me and we had a better conversation than we've had in awhile although there was no discussion of the relationship or Tyler. I've felt more positive the last few days---until now. However, my friend (Tony's cousin) was going to pick up Tyler from school and have him do some work at her house and just show him some extra attention until Tony could get off work. Mainly, she wanted to give the grandparents a breather. She found out that he was back at the juvenile probation office right after school. (He recently got one year probation rather than boot camp. In my opinion, a mistake). Tyler almost over-dosed this weekend; I'm not sure where he was but his father had to go get him. Probably had run away again. Now he has been to be in rehab in a city about 2 hours from here and will stay two weeks. Although Tyler said he wouldn't go unless my friend Angie took him, his dad insisted on driving him. (Keep in mind that I am still not officially involved with this but worrying just as much.) I told Angie to tell Tony that he could either let her drive them or I was going to, even if Tony didn't speak to me the entire time. I didn't want Tony driving so far at night while he is upset and tired. Plus, he has to be at work again early tomorrow. I'm hoping Angie went with them because I have yet to hear back from her. Tony has a real problem allowing people to help. Actually, I'm a little mad that he can't share what is going on with me. I really thought we were close enough for him to confide in me and keep me updated. I don't have to be in his life right know because I know it is chaos but I don't see why he can tell everyone else what is going on and not me. He wanted me to be transparent with him, yet he isn't with me. I spent months being involved in Tyler's life so I think I deserve to know what happens to him. I guess I am asking myself why I bother to care when he doesn't seem to need me. Part of me understands but part of me doesn't. If something happened like this to one of my family members, I wouldn't shut him out. Say I had to rush my dad to the emergency room, I call Tony to tell him even if I just said a couple of sentences and hung up. Maybe this is just the way men are. I don't know but I just believe everyone should have an inkling of consideration even at times like this. The world is full of billions of people who don't care what happens to them. I think he is darn lucky to have someone who does but I guess he does not. The counselor asked me how long I was willing to wait and I said I would wait as long as I believed there was a 75% chance that it would work out at some point and that by the new year he should have an idea of whether he thinks it can or not. If he wants me, he'll just have to decide that the issues with Tyler will be part of our lives because I don't see in miracle cures on the horizon and there has to be a limit to my waiting without any guarantees.

Answer
Hi Renee.
Thanks for the update. I would guess you've convinced your counselors that you want support from them to hang in and they went along with you. I would do the same as far as that's concerned.

At the same time, I'd want you to have a sense of what's going on with you, with him and with his son. I'd said that this sounded like an attack on him by his son. Not sure what that's about.

It isn't the way all men are, it's the way Tony is. You complain about this and I want you to pay attention to this complaint. When the going gets rough with him, he clams up. The metaphor is appropriate. Slams the shell shut. You take this personally.

Frankly I think you are onto something with Tony but you shouldn't take it personally. Take it seriously, not personally. He is the type who clams up. He might do this with his son and also his ex. It doesn't serve him well but there it is. Is he turning to anyone for help. Probably not. People who clam up do so for good reasons based on their experience.

I might be able to help you further but I'd need a conversation with you. Let me know if you want to schedule something. Also, I have a draft of an article that you might find very useful and I'd be willing to send you a copy. It might be a bit technical but maybe not. Let me know.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

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