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About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience
Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.

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Dating at Midlife - Where to now?

Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 11/1/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Belove,

I am a soon to be 49 year old woman who is in a very confused state of what is next? I ended a 20 year marriage due to my husband cheating on me, and a 7 year relationship due to the damage done over the years of my boyfriend cheating on me.

I am now in this place where I just don't know how to begin again. I live in a relatively small town where my ex-husband and I were both very involved in the community. He married the woman he cheated on me with and it is very uncomfortable for the people of the town with all of us running in the same circles. So, pretty much I have become more and more distant from all the friends and civic groups we were involved in because she too is involved in the same and it just makes it stressful for everyone. So, not only did I lose my husband. I lost all my friends and the people I associated with. While they are still very nice to me etc., I just am no longer the one in the "in crowd" because they are a couple now and it is awkward for all.

I started dating a man and have been with him for years. Very charming and goodlooking. Cheated on his wife for many years and she was accepting of this. I was to a degree. I fought with him about it, we were together, apart, together, apart for so many years because although I knew I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone that cheated and lied, I also loved him so I really tried to get him to stop. Hmmmm.. first mistake. After many destructive years, I finally just let the relationship go. While he hadn't cheated in awhile, he still kept one foot in the door and one out the door. With potential for it to happen again. There were so many strains on the relationship from what went on, that it finally became very apparent it was just time to walk away from this one. So after all these years.... I did.

In the 7 years, pretty much all my friends have been in association with him. So, again, here I am out there on my own without any real friends or groups to associate with.

Hence, many lonely days at home ... alone.

As far as men go, I keep telling myself that being alone, and even a bit lonely might be the best thing for a bit. That I just let go of a 7 year relationship that I allowed to go on far too long and that being alone (at least from the perspective of men) might be a good opportunity for me to reflect, redirect and figure out what it is that I do want. However, for as much as I keep thinking being alone awhile might be good, I find that I am terribly lonely, afraid that I will never meet another man, be alone for the rest of my life, with no friends to do anything with since twice now I have lost them to the relationship, AND worst thing is.... I find I am jealous of my children! They have full lives, and are best friends. They are too busy for mom, and then when they are together and I am not with them (they live 4 hours from me) and I hear them doing things together, I am truly jealous.

I hide it, but am so jealous because I want to be there too.

And then I realize I am jealous of a relationship I have worked so long to foster (I WANT them to be friends) because let's face it. I have no life!! Literally no friends, and no man in my life. Getting near 50 and scared I am going to be alone forever.

Please help me!! How do I restart, yet again. Making friends, meeting new men and most of all not destroying my relationship with my kids because I have no life!!!

Answer
Anne, I'm sorry this is so hard for you. It's what happens to so many of us. Welcome to your version of the midlife crisis. It's time for you to face some of your demons.

I do suggest that you don't try to do it alone. If you write me I will send you a draft of a chapter on baggage and how to deal with it. I think you will recognize yourself in parts of it. That might be a big help.

You already have pretty strong inklings of what it is you have to do and you also know how terrifying it will be for you, at least at first.
Your fears are magnifying the challenge. It is a serious challenge but there will come
a time when you look back on this and smile pretty generously. That's why I think you'll find having a guide will make a big difference.

In general you tend to lose your Self in relationships. Your first inclination is to give way too much away. You've probably always thought this was a noble and loving way to be but you do end up destroying your own self-respect. You need to learn more nuance. Right now your exaggerated way of seeing things distorts your approach to your small town community. (I lived several years in a community of 14,000 people. ) You are way too hard on yourself. You tend to lose your own center and panic. You haven't yet learned self-possession. It's a process. You are many steps along the way already.

Write me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com and I'll send you something to read that might help.
I am thinking that if you look more carefully at those old relationships and the role you played in them you will see some of your own strengths and weaknesses in a more sympathetic light and this alone will help you enormously.

I'm at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Thanks

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

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