AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question Hi. I met a wonderful guy online (e-harmony) about five months ago. It basically was the first date that never ended. We were and in most ways still are smitten with each other. I thought everything was fine, but now he has been saying we have different values, 'dreams,' or differences. We had several times talked of being life partners, living together, and for most intents and purposes truly have been living together, sharing our homes, discussing future plans. He ascribes the dreams and values to me without asking me :( I love him for who I have seen him to be. He says he avoids conflict, and has trust issues. Well, don't we all ... but, he did not communicate any unhappiness to me, and is entirely not good at communicating in personal matters. He waited, it boiled inside him, and he has now said he wants me to let him go twice, but also says he will work on things and actually he is reading the relationship courses we acquired (Talisman & Cutright). I know his first wife just out of college cheated on him, and that broke his heart. He then seemingly went to what I'll call a 'safe' distanced long-term relationship, never married nor shared bank accounts, she left 2.5 years ago to take a work assignment overseas (some of us think for another person). She was supposed to go for one year. He didn't want her to go at all, and did not feel the relationship important enough to join her overseas when requested. Finally, after 2.5 years, he asked her to let him go. He did have an affair, which he told her about immediately, and asked to be let go. She said she'd forgive him, he didn't want that. So, she said, okay, and that was that. No counseling, no flights, just a fizzle. I can't figure out how I went from being SoulVine (one nickname he has for me) to GetLost. He is coming to visit tonight for the weekend, a normal thing for us. We've been trying to stay focused on positives. But this is very disconcerting. He has avoided telling me what he has been upset about. He's been trying to formulate it in writing. But he thinks it is too negative to talk about, and agreed to try the positive focus approach of the courses. I'm sad. My trust is shattered. And I can't figure out why he is so reluctant to just work through this.
I'm more familiar with talking things through, and 'mutually satisfying resolutions' - which certainlys seems more positive than secrets, hurt and confusion. Help? Thank you! Miel
Answer First some general comments.
I haven't read the Talisman and Cutright work.
It's possible that you have over simplified their instructions to be only positive. Or it's possible that their suggestions are appropriate in many situations but hardly all.
You have to be always constructive, but that is hardly the same as being always positive. There are times when you have to speak up and address and acknowledge angers and resentments. Sometimes apologies are called for.
There are coaches who will say that apologies are not such a good thing. I believe the Non-violent communication people advocate this position. I disagree. There are times when a proper apology makes all the different in the world.
So I agree with you that, as a rule, talking things through is more constructive than secrets, hurt and confusion...or superficial attempts to make things better. It really helps if you know what was hurtful, and why, also.
Specifically, I'd guess that, if you are deeply involved with someone who is not a talker, then that means that you are the talker when it comes to relationship issues and that in this respect your relationship is out of balance. I'd guess that he does a lot of listening and says little, and you do a lot of talking and think that things have been addressed.
It might go further and extend to thinking about the relationship. Often the way to think through a relationship issue is to think out loud, in conversation, with a sensitive and supportive listener. Some people journal but doing that well takes discipline and, often, training. So if the talking/listening balance is awry, then it's possible that the thinking about the relationship balance is also off. In cases like, the person who doesn't talk wakes up one day and his (or her) feelings are changed and neither partner sees it coming.
Even more than a car, or teeth, a relationship needs regular servicing and maintenance or it dies. Regular maintenance requires getting into the yukky parts.
I don't know why he's reluctant and you certainly don't and he doesn't either. As I said, my guess is that it's a combination of him not being willing to -- baggage -- and you're not being nearly as careful and sensitive and open a listener as you need to be. One of the reason for this is that you are so emotionally invested in the process. This is why you bring in a therapist or counselor. It's the same reason why a surgeon never operates on his/her family members or loved ones.
I hope this answer is useful to you. If you wish to consult with me further, let me know at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
