Dating at Midlife/Struggling with a decision to end relationship
Been in this relationship for 4 yrs. We are both divorced, I raised 4 kids, last one is 16(lives with me) he has 1 child 7, and lives with a male roommate in a large home(same home he lived with ex wife, they all lived here) Our age difference was never an issue. I'm always mistaken for a 35 something year old, I'm petite, teach pilates, yoga and work in the skin care industry. I'm 50 he's 41.
He's in the medical field, very busy, just started his own practice. There's a huge chemical attraction in this relationship, from day one, that has not fizzled. The sex is incredible. I never experienced such a tender loving giving person. I came out of an abusive relationship, took years, but I was emancipated. After years of a lot of "work on myself" I managed to honor myself and build up my self esteem. Problem: I never felt comfortable staying at this house due to the dynamics of how he lives. I have 0 problem with the son, however having a roommate who's single 40 something hovering all the time is annoying, and can't be myself. The roommate is a very nice guy, and we get along, he actually looks forward to my visits, and he actually prepares the meals and we all sit together. This is now getting "old". He does not see this as a problem, and says I have
"issues" from my past because I react this way, by making up excuses why I don't want to sleep over. He claims the house is huge, which it is, and if we want privacy we can go to his bedroom. It just seems so juvenile. Next, I've had to reign in my hobby of ballroom dancing and competing because he finds it too intimate, and has absolutely 0 interest. I take a few classes here and there now. I like to be social and go out, he says at this point in his life with the kid, he can only do that every now and then, because he wants to be home for him, and doesn't like the whole social thing. He said in 9 yrs when he's in my shoes, he probably will want to explore more social events.
He's a single father, ex live far, and when she visits she stays in the house with the 3 of them. I realize that's where they all lived to begin, so it doesn't seem strange to them, and sometimes when she's there he'll stay at my place, but only overnight, not for an extended period. So he carry a knapsack when he does this, with his overnight stuff. When I stay at his place, I have to think of every worse case scenario thing I may need. I can't even open the fridge, I feel so uncomfortable. His roommate does not date, never did, I guess has some deep seeded issues about women, he's defiantly not gay, but I can't be totally sure.
This past weekend escalated into an eye opener, because I point blank refused to stay over in front of both of them. The roommate asked me what i wanted for breakfast, and I told them I'm not used to waking up a 8am on a weekend and thoughts of breakfast are the last thing on my mind. I'm used to sleeping in and chillin, what's wrong with that?
BF, says logistically he does not forsee a future, because I'm programmed in this way and "will never change". He says "his selffish side loves me and wants to keep me, but I know I will resent that in the future, because i'm not engaging in activities because of how he feels about them. His logical mind tells him to set me free because I deserve to do these things that make me happy.
I personally think he has some major growing up to do. I just can't get myself to say that. I do hint around playfully though.
Despite all these little problems we have "dealt" with in the last 4 years, our genuine love for eachother is over the top. I never knew this type of Love ever existed. Our connection is so strong. He's the most genuine, true loving man I've ever met, and the thought of us parting ways is upsetting to us both. We both agreed that should this happen, we can't even be friends, our passion is so strong, it would be torture. I don't know if I should make changes in my attitude toward making things work out, or cut my losses, and agree to this. I will never date again, that is for sure. I have no interest in any other man. Please help me sort out my thoughts.
Hi Angel, blended families are always the hardest relationships and most often to fail. There are some pretty strong positives that I think are worth noting.
#1)You're positive about yourself and you know what you enjoy and like doing them. This shows an individuality that enhances you
#2)Everyone in both households get along.
#3) It doesn't matter who you meet, everyone will have issues that need compromise.
The problem unfolds because you feel you are compromising too much for the value of the relationship.
He is giving, loving and kind but not as available on an intimate basis as you would like because there is another person in the house.
Maybe the best solution would be for you to see each other and only stay together while on vacations. This way it's just the two of you whenever you get away. Perhaps he should only stay over at your place. That would clear up the inconvenience of you having to move all your stuff over to his place. I think relationships need to be easy, peaceful and stress free. If that's not happening and your boyfriend isn't working hard to get to that point with you, I think there's something wrong. If he's suggesting that long term there's going to be a problem, you can bank on that. Sometimes it takes someone a little time to miss you. Taking a break from the relationship can clear things up for both of you. You may decide this isn't the relationship for you or he may decide he can't live without you. You have to be true to yourself and really know what you want from a relationship and stick to your guns. As difficult it will be to end things now, it will be far worse the more time you invest. I also think not ever getting into another relationship at your age is unlikely. I met someone at 58. It happens. You just have to be open to it.