Dating at Midlife/Reunite my Family
QUESTION: In the interest of brevity, I will spare the "life story" and dive straight into it. A little over 4 years ago, I got involved with what I would consider to be the ideal woman. A little too quickly, we found our "honeymoon phase" cut short by the birth of our first child, followed rapidly by a second. In this same time frame, I began a new and far more demanding job. Somewhere in the shuffle, we began to drift. Fights became more common, and eventually, she wanted a break. It was at this point that I did the worst thing I could possibly have done, and pressured her. Normally, I would not have, but she blamed me solely for the failure of our relationship, and was preventing me from seeing our sons as a result of the state of things between us. Because I was missing the early years with our children, I felt a need to rush into fixing things, and predictably pushed her further away.
I finally have managed to gain visitation orders, and the urgency has subsided a great deal, but the truth is that I still love her, she is still the mother of my children, and she is still the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Most "advice" I can find on the subject seems to assume that there is a casual peace between the two parties, or that I want to "move on". My question is this. How do I facilitate the process of reconnecting? She is very hostile and has gone to great lengths to vilify me, but in the moments that she thinks I am not aware, I still catch her glances, and from the very beginning of the break up, she expressed a desire for me to "win her back". I have no doubt in my mind that were we to have a peaceful encounter, that is exactly what would happen, but am at a loss as to how to get to the point of a peaceful encounter...
Any insight you may have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
ANSWER: i've no idea as to what she has against you, but if she is going to have a change of heart, it won't because of any intense reconnection efforts on your part; all you can do is to convey your feelings to her as to wanting to try again, then back off, leave contact up to HER, get on with your life; your best chance would be that as she sees you becoming more independent she might realize what she's lost; that won't happen if she perceives you as weak, needy, insecure....so, express your interest without sounding desperate, then back off, see what happens..
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: What she holds against me is that life was not perfect. To give an example of what I mean, one of the things that bothered her was that she entered our relationship with an suv, while I at the time only owned a motorcycle. I didn't understand the issue, because I saw it as a family car and an efficient commuter, but shortly after the break, when I came to realize it didn't matter if I understood why it was a problem, it still was one, I began to shop around, and bought a large family sedan. When she found out, she became angry that I had not done so sooner. The pattern existed during our relationship, where I often found that the problem, even after it was resolved, seemed to be more important to her than the solution...
That's why I am concerned that we may never reach a level of peaceful interaction, and why I fear for what the future holds for our sons. They are why I am so desperate. I am normally a very patient person, particularly in matters of the heart, but the longer the hostility exists, the more it feeds itself, and the harder it will become for them.
all you can control is how you feel and act; you have to accept the fact that her emotional issues, which probably began long ago, won't be changing; if it's impossible to communicate peacefully with her, then lessen contact, discuss only business, do it peacefully; kids learn to adjust to these situations in most cases...