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Dating at Midlife/Why am I struggling so much ?

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Question
Hi Philip

I am the "Having Trouble Moving on Person".  I have just hit a really low ebb where I really want to just curl up in a ball and avoid everyone and everything.  I can't do that, as have a job, friends and family, but I want too.  Nothing seems important at the minute.  

It is like I want to stick myself in the person that stung me alongs opinion of me and don't want to try if that is the sort of thing that is going to happen.  I feel really sorry for myself and don't feel there is anywhere that I can turn as everyone seems to think I have coped fantastically and should just move on from that heartache.  However I am down on myself that someone could lead me on that much and I fell for it and the worst bit is that I still think I feel for the guy.  Feel like I am going crazy and have no where to turn as have to keep up the coping well facade.

I just feel lonelier than I have ever done in my life.

Best regards

Answer
HI Julie,

Sorry about your pain. It's the worst, these breakups and betrayals.  There's some advice on my website, drbelove.com

It's one of those awful pains you just have to ride out. It could take you a couple years.

Writing in the New Yorker Magazine, Ariel Levy described what it was like to grieve the loss of a new born baby:

"I looked at the snow outside my window falling ... But mostly I looked at the picture of the baby.
After several weeks, I was looking at it only once a day. It was months before I got it down to once a week. I don’t look at it much anymore, but people I haven’t seen in a while will say, “I’m so sorry about what happened to you.” And their compassion pleases me."

Someone else said that grief never fully goes away because love is eternal.

Here is a video to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PK3GhnHOJc

A betrayal is pretty terrible.

right now you are grieving. If it lasts too long, it becomes depression. It might be useful to talk to someone.
I am available on Skype

I hope this helps.

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.

Dating at Midlife

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Expertise

Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 71 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 35 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults.  I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a blog at www.drbelove.com and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships  so they achieve the goal of midlife development  to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience

Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 71. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship. I now have a perspective on midlife.

Publications
Please check out my book, Rabbis in Love, at www.rabbis-in-love.com Also my blog at www.drbelove.com The Rabbi book was done as part of a research project. My collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I wanted to interview couples with very successful marriage and also we wanted to talk to people who cared as much about their spirituality as love. Maybe being able to love and be spiritual were one and same, we thought. So we found a rabbi couple and the interview was so astounding that we interviewed nine more rabbi couples. One dropped. They'd revealed too much. It's a fascinating book and, Jewish or not, religious or not, these couples do a lot of things right and there is a lot to learn from them.

Education/Credentials
Masters in Counseling Psychology, Alfred Adler Institute Doctorate in Consulting Psychology, focus on family therapy, University of Massachusetts at Amherst

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