Dating at Midlife/I beg your help...

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Question
dear friend..this is me bothering you again. I get hooked by girls I like to.When I have sex with the ones I do not like, it is ok.

To be honest my wife is just a person who helps me to get our children grown up.

It must be in Guinness record..the man who felt in love just by kissing a girl during 20 minutes.

I am afraid to contact back the girl with lupus...but, at the same time, I am afraid to get hooked because I like her so much..

My wife at the begriming of our relationship fool me around. She did not respect the fact that I was jealous. At this moment I should have quit up.

Every day when I wake up and take my pills I feel to bad thinking it is my fault...my fault...and just my fault..nobody else fault

next month I am going to meet a girl I do not like to in order to have sex with her..I enjoy this and it is sure I am not going to get hooked.

To be honest,  my psychiatrist and psychotherapist makes me to feel good tackling to me but I think it is more psychological trouble than a pharmaceutical problems...

thanks again for your help

Answer
I can no longer tell what would help you.

I think you are playing a very nasty game with yourself and with the women around you.
But I don't think you want to end the game. It sounds like you just want to play it
more intensely and without the negative consequences.

You do not seem to want love.  

Many people arrange to just have pleasant superficial relationships. Lots of nice sex
and then the person goes away.

You even like having sex with girls you do not like.  

Perhaps you are deeply afraid of love.  Many people are.

I just finished a book with a collaborator and it is about people who really love,
it is about people who make love into a kind of spiritual practice.
They are very religious people anyway but the love they practice is
I think
beyond mere religious ritual and that is why I found them fascinating

You can read sections of the book for free at rabbis-in-love.com

Go see what true love can look like in very mature people.  It will give you
some idea of what you want to learn.

It is possible that you can experience real love in your life
but you have to want it
and you have to be willing to get serious about it.

This is what I wish for you.

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.  

Dating at Midlife

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

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Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 71 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 35 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults.  I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a blog at www.drbelove.com and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships  so they achieve the goal of midlife development  to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience

Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 71. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship. I now have a perspective on midlife.

Publications
Please check out my book, Rabbis in Love, at www.rabbis-in-love.com Also my blog at www.drbelove.com The Rabbi book was done as part of a research project. My collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I wanted to interview couples with very successful marriage and also we wanted to talk to people who cared as much about their spirituality as love. Maybe being able to love and be spiritual were one and same, we thought. So we found a rabbi couple and the interview was so astounding that we interviewed nine more rabbi couples. One dropped. They'd revealed too much. It's a fascinating book and, Jewish or not, religious or not, these couples do a lot of things right and there is a lot to learn from them.

Education/Credentials
Masters in Counseling Psychology, Alfred Adler Institute Doctorate in Consulting Psychology, focus on family therapy, University of Massachusetts at Amherst

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