Dating at Midlife/dolor

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QUESTION: my dear good friend:
I am aurax polisar ..auripol..you helped me a lot, even I sent you some money into an envelope but It was steal.......at that time I suffered a great depression due to a conwoman..a prostitute...񡠢ad woman...I barely could recovered from this..it was in 2004. In 2011 I felt for another bad girl...everyone advised me to reject this relationship but I did not do it. This last was a mild depression because my psychiatrist gave me a goods medication. 16 month ago I just kissed a girl I liked too much and had another depression episode...mild symptoms but too long. I want to cry...why just a kiss..why...
this last ones I meat trough facebook..I have a friend of muine a girl who has cacer but I enjoy to chat with her, but my psychiatrsit adviced me to cut all contacts with her.....whjy.
thanks for your opinion my good and patient friend.
bye

ANSWER: Aurax!  So nice to hear from you again. Sorry about  your difficulties.

Also, news to me that you sent money!  My goodness, that's so generous of you.
Sometimes I think we should be talking on Skype... if your english is good enough....
I don't know what you have to pay locally but I'd probably work with you for the same fee.


I really don't know why your psychiatrist advised you to cut contacts.
I guess so much depends on how you talk to her.
I would think it is a good thing to do.  I would think it is good to speak to someone who
need friends and needs to feel cared for.

I also understand how lonely you are much of time.

You fall for "bad girls" (as you call them) because you are much like those girls.
You are not that different. That is my guess.

I would guess that you are very very sad about love
and that, as much as you would want it in your life
you doubt that it is possible.

Often those prostitutes are the same. They believe that love is only for others.
or they do not believe it really exists.

Or they believe that if it does exist, it is a very painful experience.

I would need to speak with you and hear stories from you in  order to help you
create something better for yourself.

Meanwhile, I suggest you look at a book I just finished with a friend of mine
who is very active in the Jewish world.  
The book is about Jewish couples who managed to create real love in their lives.
Of course this is something many people know how to do
and it is a sort of artistic accident that we focused on Jews. In the next book
we speak of a wider range of people.

You can read part of it for free on the web site

rabbis-in-love.com

I invite you to take a look

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.













---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear friend. I talked to you that I had sent money for you about 10 years ago but someone still it…stealt it. The fact is this my good friend…I had recovered from the last grief , and I felt OK..but just by kissing another girl during 20 minutes again I got depressed. Not as painful as the previous ones..but long lasting….why…..Effexor…lamotrigine…litio..to be honest this medicines make feel as good as possible…but they are no  me…I have been 16 months without sexual intercourses with my wife…I have been told that after several episodes o depression it become chronic…my psychiatrist told me that not is my case..,.the girl friend of mine is  a so good person…I told her that I liked her so much during so many time.I told to my psychiatrist and she advices me to cut the chat because I could fall in depression again. I want to be as before….happy, enjoying life..My problem is that I fall in love too fast..inmediatelly if I like a girl. All of these girls are black. I bet in the whole of your professional experience you had not had seen a personality as mine: a depression just for kissing a girl during 20 minutes…my god, what a problem is mine…thank you my extremely good friend

Answer
Well, Aurax, I am sorry I never saw the money. What shame that you made this nice gesture and it was stolen!

As I said, I might be able to help you but there are limits to what we can do with these limited exchanges.

Also it is sad that you and your wife do not love what you have together.  
All these other things you have in secret will depress you.  They will remind you
of what you don't have.
When you have a marriage and yet you have to have these secret other lovers, it's very sad.

And also these women are very sad, too.  they may also be angry but they are sad
and when you are with them you share and sense their sadness and they sense yours
and it is like singing a sad song together.  

About "fall in love" too fast....  I just think about how lonely you must be and
how much you try to pretend that you are lonely... and then someone touches you
touches your heart, and then you remember again.

Learning to love will be difficult for you. It is a worthy challenge, don't you think? It will take
tremendous courage.

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.  

Dating at Midlife

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

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Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 71 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 35 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults.  I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a blog at www.drbelove.com and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships  so they achieve the goal of midlife development  to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience

Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 71. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship. I now have a perspective on midlife.

Publications
Please check out my book, Rabbis in Love, at www.rabbis-in-love.com Also my blog at www.drbelove.com The Rabbi book was done as part of a research project. My collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I wanted to interview couples with very successful marriage and also we wanted to talk to people who cared as much about their spirituality as love. Maybe being able to love and be spiritual were one and same, we thought. So we found a rabbi couple and the interview was so astounding that we interviewed nine more rabbi couples. One dropped. They'd revealed too much. It's a fascinating book and, Jewish or not, religious or not, these couples do a lot of things right and there is a lot to learn from them.

Education/Credentials
Masters in Counseling Psychology, Alfred Adler Institute Doctorate in Consulting Psychology, focus on family therapy, University of Massachusetts at Amherst

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