Dating at Midlife/Do I run?

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Question
Hi Dr. Belove,

Thanks for letting people like me ask silly relationship questions.

I am in a relationship with a man in his early 60s that says he loves me, but he says many other things as well.

Like:

I like where we are in the relationship
I like how the relationship is going
I am not sure when I will be ready for marriage


If I specifically ask him if he sees a future for us beyond just "dating" he will say yes that he can see it, but he doesn't know when he will be ready for that.

If I specifically ask him if he feels he is capable of being married again, he will say yes that he does, but that he doesn't know when he will be ready for that.

He has introduced me to all of his family, friends and we are together every day.  But, he continues to hold to those comments which I feel are his way of keeping just enough of himself apart from me to keep me from wanting more.  At least for now.   We have been dating for over a year now.

So, what does one do when one is ahead of the other in what they want?  And how do you stop yourself from feeling and wanting more when you spend every day with a man for all other intents and purposes acting as if you are a married couple.  But... you still live in different homes and you keep hearing "he isn't sure when he will be ready"?

I do want more... eventually.   I don't want to rush him into something he doesn't want or isn't ready for, but I am also not willing to wait forever either.  If it can't be him, it doesn't mean I don't want it to be someone.

How do I navigate this minefield?

Answer
Well the simple answer is one step at a time
You have to ask yourself what is the tiniest but significant step in the direction you want.
Send me the answer to that question and coach you further.

He has said yes, but in many ways.
It sounds like things are quite stable.
Introducing you to his family friends and social world is significant and important
a year is significant
all that counts
what is the next step.

Let me know

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.

Dating at Midlife

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Expertise

Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 71 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 35 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults.  I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a blog at www.drbelove.com and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships  so they achieve the goal of midlife development  to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.

Experience

Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 71. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship. I now have a perspective on midlife.

Publications
Please check out my book, Rabbis in Love, at www.rabbis-in-love.com Also my blog at www.drbelove.com The Rabbi book was done as part of a research project. My collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I wanted to interview couples with very successful marriage and also we wanted to talk to people who cared as much about their spirituality as love. Maybe being able to love and be spiritual were one and same, we thought. So we found a rabbi couple and the interview was so astounding that we interviewed nine more rabbi couples. One dropped. They'd revealed too much. It's a fascinating book and, Jewish or not, religious or not, these couples do a lot of things right and there is a lot to learn from them.

Education/Credentials
Masters in Counseling Psychology, Alfred Adler Institute Doctorate in Consulting Psychology, focus on family therapy, University of Massachusetts at Amherst

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