Dating at Midlife/I feel bad


QUESTION: my dear good friend...this is me bothering you again. This is my 5th episode of recurrent trigger is always women, just this episode I kissed a girl I had had sexual relations with previously, and no problems, but as this time I got depressed. I, in this occasion, won����e to complain to anyone. The last episode lasts 1 and a half year. I was recovering when I decided to kiss this woman I am not in love with. My psychiatrist told me that it is called recurrent depression. But in my case I wander if my episodes come one, by one or these are triggered by sexual contact...all my episodes are due to sexual contacts with women. I do not learned from my pasts experiences.
Please tell me your opinion of this stupid gay with other episode of recurrent depression as in the previous one, just for kissing a girl during 20 minutes on a car.
thank you again from Venezuela

ANSWER: The kiss reminds you of something extremely important to you which you do not have but want.
You do not want to forget it, and yet you can't remember it.
The only way you can remember it is in a few seconds when you have the kiss, but then
the memory goes away and all that remains after the kiss is the sad feeling of loss
and then you become very sad.
But it is better to be sad and full of longing than to be empty and not aware.
At least when you are sad you feel that your life has a purpose.
The problem is that you do not know what that purpose is.
The answer is in the sadness
you have to notice when you are sad what is you really want.
The only hint we have is that is has something to do with being loved.

youre welcome

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: dear friend:
I feel depressed. What do you recomendme to do to quit the depression episode. It is incredible: you have sex with as girl and no problem, but, later you kissed her and you get hooked. Nobodu would understand this problem.
Thank for your answer. I think psychoanalysis is the answer. What happened to me is not logical. cognitive-behavioral answer, according what I have listend is the best aproach, but I do not think so

I think I answered this question  in the prevoius response.
You have to notice when you are sad what it is that you really want.
Sometimes the answer comes in images and dreams.
Probably you already know but for some reason you are reluctant to admit it to yourself.
There is probably a voice that tells you that you should not want ... and so on.
This is a psychoanalytic approach.


Dating at Midlife

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.


Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 71 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 35 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults.  I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a blog at and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships  so they achieve the goal of midlife development  to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.


Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 71. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship. I now have a perspective on midlife.

Please check out my book, Rabbis in Love, at Also my blog at The Rabbi book was done as part of a research project. My collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I wanted to interview couples with very successful marriage and also we wanted to talk to people who cared as much about their spirituality as love. Maybe being able to love and be spiritual were one and same, we thought. So we found a rabbi couple and the interview was so astounding that we interviewed nine more rabbi couples. One dropped. They'd revealed too much. It's a fascinating book and, Jewish or not, religious or not, these couples do a lot of things right and there is a lot to learn from them.

Masters in Counseling Psychology, Alfred Adler Institute Doctorate in Consulting Psychology, focus on family therapy, University of Massachusetts at Amherst

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