Dating at Midlife/amor?


QUESTION: I am a 51 year old who has a friend who lives 39 miles 200 dintancia me, here in Venezuela. I'm in love with this woman. She my not ... I think. 3 weeks ago we arranged to meet in a city and told him I would have everything, transportation, food, ... all ... certified at the last minute there was a change of plans at the company and everything was canceled. I have entenido that for women this is very serious ... they do not forgive ... the truth is that now I'm in love and she's never been me. She's upset and dodging me in facebook and whatsapp. what should I do? I beg if things could get any worse. If she can not entreat you to think I forgot about it.
thanks for your help and opinion.

ANSWER: Yes, always so sad when a woman closes the relationship and cancels everything.  

From what I can understand of your story and your situation, you are fortunate that she ended it now;.

She is not a woman who forgives or has compassion.  she only knows what she wants and when she does not get it
she is very hard on you.

This will not change.

If you think that being more loving and caring will change this you are wrong.
You are fortunate to learn this now.

I hope this is a useful lesson for you.

you have my sympathies.

Philip Alan Belove Ed.D.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: yes you are right, but she contacts me by facebook and movil but not as often she used to do....the problem is that I am in love..and she is not...should I keep my contact with her untill my in love is over to avoid a painfull grief?
Thank you...I am old friend...the one with a 4th grief.

I recognized you.
I was nice to hear from you again.
I don't know that I'd call what you have with her as "love."
But it's a mess and one you've been in often.
I hope that one of your therapists manages to create a helpful conversation with you
There is something familiar, a repetition in all your stories and I think that once you
understand what you are doing the stories will manage to  progress. Right now they all
start the same, sort of, and don't go further.
Surely you must see this.

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D

Dating at Midlife

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.


Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my name, really). I`m 71 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the past 35 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other midlife adults.  I think we all figure things out as we go along, but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a blog at and I write articles for various web sites. My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end those relationships  so they achieve the goal of midlife development  to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in offering what I can.


Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 71. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship. I now have a perspective on midlife.

Please check out my book, Rabbis in Love, at Also my blog at The Rabbi book was done as part of a research project. My collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I wanted to interview couples with very successful marriage and also we wanted to talk to people who cared as much about their spirituality as love. Maybe being able to love and be spiritual were one and same, we thought. So we found a rabbi couple and the interview was so astounding that we interviewed nine more rabbi couples. One dropped. They'd revealed too much. It's a fascinating book and, Jewish or not, religious or not, these couples do a lot of things right and there is a lot to learn from them.

Masters in Counseling Psychology, Alfred Adler Institute Doctorate in Consulting Psychology, focus on family therapy, University of Massachusetts at Amherst

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