Dating at Midlife/Hopelessly in love

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Question
Hello Lauren and thank you for your wonderful service.

I am 56 and divorced and had an INTENSE love affair with a married man for five years that I still love with all of my heart.  We are still having online communication once a week but have not talked or seen each other in six months.  He is the love of my life, and he loves me with all of his heart and our connection is INTENSELY deep.  There is not a single doubt in my mind or heart of the amount of love he has for me.  He loves me entirely.

 His wife doesn't give him intimacy so he stepped outside of his marriage after 25 years, never believing he would or could feel or find this with anyone.  He loves his wife of 30 years and could never hurt her or his family and wouldn't and always made that clear to me, it would kill him to hurt them.  He is the most sensitive man I have ever met and I know it would kill him to hurt them.

Due to the pain of our affair I sought therapy.  My male therapist has done his best to try to convince me that this man doesn't love me or he would leave his wife but I know in my heart that is totally NOT TRUE.  This is not an average affair.

I have taken steps to move on and have dated and found through MUCH trial and error a gentleman that treats me like gold.  I have been seeing him for four months and finally allowed intimacy, resulting in me now feeling the incredibly strong urge to run away from him.

I only want the one I love.

Would it be better to live alone (give up trying to date and find someone of my own) and give into the love that my heart feels than to never feel anything for anyone again?
Or should I keep trying with this man I've been dating even though I now cringe being near him??

I believe only a woman can possibly understand this.  My heart and head are in a very unsettled and terrified place.

Thank you for your help.

Answer
Thank you Jenny,  I don't think this is a good person. Someone who is unfaithful to his wife IS hurting her whether she knows it or not. An amoral person isn't issue specific either. There are a dozen reasons why he may have his hook in you, but I can tell  you, you're another fish on his line. Why doesn't he leave his wife if his love for you is so strong? He's a coward knowing that if he does either (leaves you or his wife) someone will be devastated so he just keeps hookin. AND do not think for one minute it's just you, And do not think for one more minute he WON"T do that to you too. Leaving someone who has manipulated your thinking is very difficult. Obviously he has convinced you he loves you without putting his words into action.

REALITY CHECK .....Authenticity = when action matches what the person says

If you can't love the good guys eg:"a gentleman that treats me like gold." then stop dating. If you can't accept authentic verses manipulation then don't date you will only wind up alone and miserable.

Of course I suggest keep seeing this man he is wonderful to you, but if you can't then take a sabbatical from dating to find out who you are and what you really need.  

Best of luck

Dating at Midlife

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Lauren Stevens

Expertise

I can answer all questions pertaining to dating, dating at 50+, online dating, health and sexual issues regarding relationships.

Experience

I have been a life coach and all expert coach for over 15 years.

Education/Credentials
I have founded and facilitated Life After Divorce a coaching program that promotes and enables life changing events. I also facilitated Transitions a support group for the traumatic experience of people going through divorce and the newly divorced.

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