AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question Dr. Belove,
I am 48 and in a real predicament. I am separated from my husband of 12 years, have started the divorce, and have been seeing a man from my early teenage years for a little over a year. He says he has loved me for 34 years since we "went steady" in Jr. high. I have come to love him so much. We lived together for several months just recently until someone began to threaten him. I know my husband is not the one, although my brother has been involved and is capable of threats. Someone poured paint remove on his truck and then called and threatened his daughters safety if he did not leave me by the first of the year. I did not hear the call because he said he received it at work through the switchboard. He said he had no choice but to leave. But the problem is he went back to live with his wife from whom he had been separated. He said he had nowhere else to go. Money is an issue. I can't help but feel that he is telling her it is over with us so she will let him stay. He tells me he is just waiting for things to cool off and then he will get divorced and we will be together for life. But he wants us to sneak around and still see each other and I admit I am grasping at any of his affection. He says we have to sneak so that no one will know we are still together and perhaps make more threats. I have thought of just telling him to leave me alone until he is divorced but I panic when I think of not having him in my life at all. Part of me just wants to wait and see if he does act- a little of him is better than none at all? But my self esteem is really suffering. How can I be so foolish at my age? I love him with all my heart but could I ever trust him? What do I do?
Answer Hi.
Your situation is complex. Quite a tangle. My specialty is helping people work with these kinds of situations. Let me tell you my philosophy and then give you some specific advice.
So the issue here is figuring out what's the next step. You have a lot you are asking for here and the first rule thing we have to do is be very clear what the single next step is. You have to do this one step at a time and you get in trouble if you try to go from a to c without going through b. The trouble most people get into in midlife dating comes from getting ahead of themselves or their partner. That's why I emphasize The Next Step.
So if you are looking for a successful and satisfying relationship and possibly with this man, we go one step and then the next and then the next and so on. The problem with this method is that it works. You might find that he is not willing or able to go the next step and then you have to be prepared to respond. But if we do this right, he should find each next step inviting enough that he's happy to go for it.
If you skip a step and get ahead of him or yourself then there will be a reaction and you lose ground. He backs up. Or…and you'd be surprised…you back up. In intimate relationships, people always balance safety against excitement. This is especially true for older people, late midlife people especially; they do not take excessive risks.
Having said all that, let's see what's a good and possible next step in this relationship.
First, let's list the issues:
1. Separated but not divorced.
2. Timing. What was the relationship between the timing of your separation and the timing of this year old relationship with this man?
3. Lonely and wishing to continue an intimate connection with a good old friend. And he's also separated but not divorced?
4. Terrorism. A really dangerous set of anonymous threats from someone who has a stake in destroying your relationship with the new man.
5. The new man's wish to have a secret relationship with you.
6. The new man's financial desperation which leads him to lie. (Some history of secrecy, sneaking and lies?)
7. Your panic at being alone and consequent willingness to continue a frightening intrigue.
8. Your willingness to question your motives and strategies (in your last two sentences.)
That's a lot.
I think the best thing in the list is the last point. Are you in therapy? A divorce is a major decision and I hope you have a place to go where you can think it through. Often an affair is a form of amateur psychotherapy, a place to go where you can think those dark thoughts out loud. The trouble is that the affair partner isn't really neutral and has an investment in you making your decisions a certain way. Often affair partners are slightly panicky, too, and when you are in panic mode, the first thing to go is your capacity for longer range thinking.
So the first thing I'd advise is that you retain a coach/counselor with expertise in your particular kind of issue.
Now, what should you do about this very nice but confused and frightened man with no money? The problem with secrecy is that it weakens your ability to act with integrity and be strong. What tends to happen in situations like yours is that things just keep getting worse and the demands of the intrigue eat up your ability to plan and handled yourself.
Also, you don't know who the dangerous party is and you can be sure that if they have been both stealthy and dangerous in the past, they will continue to do so and going underground with this relationship will only increase the sense of danger and panic you already have.
I would advise that until you've uncovered the terrorist, you back away and stop seeing this man. You'll need support. He'll cling. It won't be easy.
My sense is that you have a very full plate. If you want to take advantage of the one free phone consult, let me know and drop me at note at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com. Also, check out my newsletters and articles at www.datingatmidlife.com. Let me know if you want to subscribe to the newsletter, too. And please tell your friends about the website.
