AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question Well of course I have other more meaningful relationships with other humans rather than Napolean. I just don't have any other pets. People have different ways of dealing with trauma.
I feel happy when I play with my baby fish. He makes me happy. What is so wrong with that? Why are people all moody about about the little fish?
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Not necessarily. Depends on what you are expecting in return from Napolean and on what other relationships you have in your life and wether or not this is the most meaningful.
Dr B.
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Answer I owe you a huge apology. I've never answered a question so rudely. I just checked your question and found that I'd received only the last paragraph. I thought the question was a frivolous one. And then I saw the whole question and I was so worried about the impact on you. I'm so glad you wrote back. I felt just awful.
Let me answer better, please.
Losing a parent is a huge loss. It's difficult to even explain it. Especially someone as young as you. You've barely had a chance to sse your parent as an adult.
As you grow you will become the same age as your mother as you remember her and then older and as that happens you will see her differently, more deeply.
Your relationship with her...which in some ways really doesn't end when she dies...continues. YOu have an inner sense of who she is, how she is. You know her far better than you can even articulate.
Your task, your challenge through these years is to find a different way to carry your sense of her. It's inward work and deep work, it goes on way down inside you. For most people, they need to give this inward work time to do what it does. It's strange how it happens. You see signs of it in your dreams sometimes, and in your idle thoughts. And then one day, something shifts and you realize that you're done with that inner task. And your perspective shifts.
My guess is that while this work goes on, you need something to occupy your mind pleasantly, to soothe yourself, to stay quietly happy about being alive. I can't imagine anything that would do that for you better than the pleasure of a small, lively, and pretty fish.
