AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Hi. I`m Philip Belove (that is my
name, really). I`m 60 and I`ve been a psychologist all my midlife, the
past 25 years. My specialty has been counseling and coaching other
midlife adults. I think we all figure things out as we go along,
but even more so at midlife. Being between 40-ish and 60-ish and single
is like being a stranger in a strange land. I`ve learned which questions
help people find their own way. I created this category, I publish a
dating at midlife newsletter and I write articles for various web sites.
My commitment is to help people 1) understand and improve how they deal
with others, 2) understand the forces that rule the relationships they
are in, and 3) make the decisions which will shape, or create, or end
those relationships so they achieve the goal of midlife
development to finally live with personal satisfaction. I`ve been
divorced twice myself. I`m in a satisfying relationship with a fine
person. I`m very interested in learning about your challenges and in
offering what I can.
Experience Professionally: Licensed Psychologist. Marriage and Family Therapist. Coach.Author. University Lecturer. Personally: I'm 61. I've probably made all the big mistakes, er, learned the big lessons.I've forgiven myself and made many apologies and I've made it into a good, stable, sweet relationship.
Question My husband (63)left me(61) abruptly and went to live with a younger(41) co-worker. She had been flirting with him for some time. He told me and his family that he was very flattered, but loved me and found her unattractive. She is also getting a divorce. We had been together 24 years, He was the love of my life and we had earlier had a very passionate love connection. I am told that I am much more attractive. I would like to know what you think their chances of staying together are?
Answer I depends on a number of things.
First of all, it depends on whether or not they are still having sex. If they are, he will re-arrange his thinking to justify it and that will include finding and inventing reasons why he is dissatisfied with you.
Leaving home to live with her sounds like she was putting a lot of pressure on him. The woman is what you might call a "mate-poacher." She offered sex and he went for it. She might be asking for a lot more. So the first thing he has to do is cut-off that relationship.
You said "I am told that I am much more attractive." Told by whom? That's important.
He sounds a bit embarrassed by having been caught up in such a common dilemma. That's a reasonably good sign.
You'll have to be strong and clear.
An affair is a common marital crisis and many couples get through it and emerge stronger than ever. The philander is chastened and humbled by the whole thing.
He sounds like a decent enough man and a man with a good heart. You might be able to save the marriage.
If you want to work with me, arrange for a phone interview to talk about how to confront him and then let's see if we can get him involved. I think you'll want to use both a carrot and a stick. There are lots of a good reasons for him to stay, the strongest of which is a good 24 year friendship and you don't throw something like that away. I think there are also some sanctions and some pain he will have to bear if he actually does leave and I don't think you should make it easy for him. Remember she is working on him on the other end and you will have to be loving and also very tough. He's going to have to hurt one of you and she's the cheaper target as far as he's concerned. But I bet he doesn't want to hurt her and this contributes to his confusion.
For heavens sake get a professional involved and get him involved in the process.
You may contact me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
