About Anisa Expertise I can answer any questions relating to jealousy, envy and self esteem in any relationship (dating, marriage, friendship, etc). I have personal experience with dealing with jealousy and can help you overcome these issues and improve your self esteem.
Experience I can answer any questions relating to jealousy, envy and self esteem in any relationship (dating, marriage, friendship, etc). I have personal experience with dealing with jealousy and can help you get through these issues.
Education/Credentials BS Family Sciences, BA Social Psychology
Question We have been married 4 years and I admit I have been a very jealous and controlling person toward my wife. First, I had been jealous if she wore revealing clothing and after a couple years of fighting over it I had told her I was done hassling her over it and that I knew she just wanted to look pretty. I told her as long as it wasnt getting her any attention and guys trying to hit on her or befriend her then I was ok. Well, now she has begun texting and emailing men and I dont like it at all and feel its very disrespectful. I trust her that she is not cheating, but I feel nothing good can come out of it and that it will lead to emotional cheating if not physical. I didnt marry her that way and we were on same page with that when we met and she said she would never do that and didnt agree with it but has since changed her mind. Now, after fighting for a year about it I finally just gave up on that and have totally shut down and shut her out. I moved into the spare bedroom and we rarely even speak to each other. I agree part of me is still jealous and to avoid being hurt, I have put these walls up. On the other hand, I kind of dont feel jealous anymore and just feel she doesnt love or respect our marriage and I figure I should just let her do what she wants and I do what I need to do to be happy without relying on her thus I have been spending alot of time with my family and friends. I do not have any girls that I talk to and dont believe in doing it just to get back at her and making her jealous. I still love her and want to provide for her and just am wondering if I am going about the right way now just letting her do what she wants? I am not a jerk to her or cold, I just have become very distant and we talk once in awhile on menial things such as household things or bills, but for most part we both have shut down. We both come and go as we please and leave each other alone and dont question each other anymore. Is this the right thing to do? I have a feeling of guilt that I am not fulfilling my role as a husband and showing her love and attention but I just feel I cannot do it knowing she is talking to other men even if it is just harmless joking around. Should I feel guilty? Most people suggest counseling and we tried it and she would not go back because she says I am the only one that needs to work on things and I should go alone. And if your wondering if I have openly told her how I feel on this and poured my heart out to her the answer is yes. She just tells me I am just jealous and to get over it. Yet, she gets upset when she sees me now happy and having fun with friends and family and not having much to do with her. I am not hurting her on purpose, just trying to be happy and survive. Should I continue like this and hope she will make the efforts to stop what she doing and rebuild my trust that she has stopped? I know she is not doing anything bad now, but I feel it will lead to bad things in our case. I dont believe in the guy and girl friendship thing without it leading to emotional infidelity or worse.
Answer Hi James,
I agree with you...texting and emailing other men is disrespectful and since it makes you very uncomfortable she should not have been doing it. It's wrong to begin with, but knowing her husband is unhappy because of it should have stopped her.
As for your current situation, it does not sound like you are in a relationship. You sound like 2 people living together sharing household chores/bills. This is what roommates do, not husband and wife. "Letting her do what she wants" is not the way to engage in a marriage. As husband and wife your first priority is each other and making sure the other is happy. There should also be boundaries in your relationship, such has the issue of doing whatever you want. You might as well be single, right? If you two continue to live like this, why not make it legal and divorce? I have no doubt you love your wife but you are not living as a happy married couple. Counseling is a very good idea but both of you need to be involved.
As far as jealousy, everyone has jealousy issues when it comes to their significant other. However, what your wife was doing was disrespectful to you and the marriage. If you are willing to work through those issues, this marriage can be salvaged.
