Expert: Dear Shay - 11/29/2002

Question
Hello Dear Shay,

I have a problem with jealousy and I'm
hoping that you would give me some suggestions on how to deal with it. I'll try to make things as brief as possible.

Past Relationship History:
1 ex-boyfriend, 4-year relationship
This boyfriend almost never did anything that would provoke my jealousy. However, this included him having so very few female friends. He somewhat spoiled me by being very protective of my feelings regarding this subject.

Current Relationship (1 and a half year):
This boyfriend often chats online with girls.
His ex(es) are very clingy, especially the one
before me. In contrast to my ex, he
only have female online friends and quite often flirt with them. Sexual language are mildly use here and there.

I feel insecure because I think that his ex(es) are still trying to get back together with him. I feel like my being a jealous type and him being a flirty type is a bad combination. We start fighting very often lately. He asks me to trust him. I try, but often fail.
Do you have any rule of thumb of when one should be jealous and when one should not be?

Thank you so much for your time.

Bettina

Answer
Well, he can have female friends..there is nothing wrong with that. What really concerns me is the fact that you say there is sexual language involved. THAT, is where you draw the line. It is not appropriate for him to be talking to his ex's and his female friends using sexual comments. Do I think you should be worried? Not neccesarily, but I think you do need to put your foot down. You both are a combination that needs some work, that doesnt make it a bad one. Relationships involve compromise. You need to start trusting him, IF he can stop his flirting. If he cant agree to stop being flirtatious...its not going to work. Good luck hun.