Expert: PracticalHappiness.com - 12/15/2007

Question
Dear Arkady,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and 3 months.  Since this summer I have moved to Jacksonville FL to go to school at UNF and she stayed in Orlando to go to UCF.  This puts us about 2 1/2 hours apart. This is only temporary until next fall when we will hopefully go to the same school. Since I've left she has made new friends at her school but I've noticed they are all guys.  Her only female friend is her roommate.  This bothers me because they are constantly calling and texting her even when I'm around for the weekends.  Her closest friend has recently fallen in love with her but thankfully she doesn't feel the same.  I worry that if her friend wasn't so ugly she'd actually fall for him.  I brought up my point to her and she told me that I was right and she spends way to much time with other guys and she will delete all their numbers from her phone and stop seeing them.  I did not ask this of her but she promised it anyway.  About a week later she has broken her own promise by going out paint balling with a friend and has yet to delete any numbers.  This is becoming a very big problem because now she has lost my trust.  Prior events have also weakened my trust in her, for example, she was deleting text messages from her phone from guys saying that they were meaningless but she new I'd get jealous so deleted them anyway.  We are fighting more and more and we have decided to call it quits for now.  I really care about her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I am very unsure of what to do. Any council will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Zach

Answer
Hey, Zach. Thanks for your question.

I understand the trust issue that you have, however I have to say this. First, she shouldn't have to offer to do what she said she will  - deleting the phone numbers of her friends was too much and unnecessary restriction on her life.

Look, if a woman wants to be with you, she will be with you, if she doesn't, she won't. The only reason that a woman will be around you is because of her DESIRE to be with you. If she happens to get involved with a guy while you are away, then... too bad - for her.  
Your desire to control her and keep other guys away from her is a sign of insecurity in your own ability to keep her attracted to you and wanting to be with you and it's unattractive to her and to yourself. Stop thinking in that direction. Instead, assume the best about her until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise.
Let her have the friends and the life she wants, and the more freedom you give her, the more respect and admiration she will have for you. Bickering about those little things as to where she went and with whom will tear your relationshp apart. Start resisting the urge to get into those petty arguments as soon as you can and other things will take care of themselves.

Thanks,

And feel free to follow up. And if you found my answer helpful, please rate me and comment on my work.

A.I.
www.practicalhappiness.com
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