Expert: Laura - 1/6/2005

Question
Thank you so much for responding so quickly...i do feel better...i agree with what you said..it's
weird though...it's like i needed to hear it from someone else...one more question though...the
girl that he's online flirting with...they are planning on hanging out...is that ok? should i be
worried? i'm afraid he may flirt with her in person too...they might be going to some bar...just
him and her and one of her girl friends...

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Followup To
Question -
I am 24 yrs old and I am in my 3rd serious relationship. This one
I think is "the one." THe thing is I have trust and jealousy issues.
I know where they are coming from but I don't know how to get
over it. My first love cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend...I
suspected it for so long and he lied about it. Eventually he broke
up with me. I found out later that he cheated. My second
boyfriend was a pathological liar. He lied about all sorts of
things...big or small. He never cheated on me, but that fear was
always there for me due to his lying and i was just always so
paranoid. Now I am in a relationship with an awesome guy. He
treats me so good and really makes me feel so comfortable and i
even felt like i could totally let go of my issues. The thing is
recently he hung out with his exgirlfriend and told me that he
wants to continue to be friends with her and hang out with her
every once in awhile. He said that he loves me and is with me for
a reason. He doesn't feel anything for her and he says that they
are much better as friends. This made me so nervous and
paranoid. (although i should mention that we talked about it and
he said if it upsets me that much he will stop talking to her
completely...he said it's not worth it cuz he loves me...but he did
mention that he's really depressed that he has to do it and is
really upset about it..but its his decision and he wont resent me
for it) anyway the whole topic made me so nervous I ended up
doing something so terrible. I read his email. I feel so awful
about it now. It's seriously not like me to do something like that.
Anyway, i ended up finding emails between him and another girl
that he recently became friends with. This girl writes for a
publication that my boyfriend wants to write for. So I think for
the most part he wants to befriend someone there. But some of
the things they were saying in the email worried me. They've
only hung out a few times and he's been writing things to her
like "i miss you dearly" or i'll be thinking of you fondly"...it's
basically flirting through email...he emailed her once saying,
"you're coming dangerously close to waiting too long to email
me"...in another email he gave her his number and said that she
should call him to hang out soon...the thing is in one email he
did mention to her that he had a girlfriend....and she responded
saying that they could be friends...she said that she doesn't have
any guy friends and would like him to be her first male
friend...and in some of the emails they would joke about it...she
said in one email to him "is this our first fight? how cute...i
thought male friends were indifferent.." it's all kinda weird...is
this normal? should i be nervous or paranoid? what do i do? i
love him so much..and i do know he loves me...but it really
would hurt me to know that even though he would never cheat
on me that he would do something disrespectful like flirt with
this girl...to read that he "misses her dearly" hurts me because
he writes stuff like that to me...what's the difference then? this is
all so terrible...i feel so paranoid and hurt and sad....i wish i
could be confident but i have a lot of self-esteem issues and i
know its going to take time...is this relationship not what i think
it is?
Answer -
Hello!

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your two ex-boyfriends. I know cheating and lying makes
people really paranoid - I mean, of course it does! Why wouldn't it? It's CHEATING and LYING.
Those things scar. Period.

Personally, I don't think you have anything to worry about regarding your new boyfriend. You
love him and you seem to trust him and are happy with him. It's just that you have a hard time
not being jealous because A) He's friends with his ex and wants to continue to hang out with her,
and B) He "online flirts" with a girl he knows.

The first issue isn't really an issue at all. See, believe it or not, sometimes guys have a harder
time getting over relationships than girls do. That's why so many guys want to keep their ex-
girlfriends as friends. It's not that they still have feelings for them or want to continue dating
them - They just can't really get along without their company in some situations. It's perfectly
normal and the fact that he is willing to give her up for you - You have nothing to worry about.

Also, with the e-mails. That's just a guys why of being friendly. It tends to be 'flirty' and
sometimes girls get the wrong impression, but it doesn't sound serious. Sometimes guys just
don't know how to react or what to say about certain things.

I hope I helped.
Good luck and I hope everything works out.

~Laura

Answer
You're welcome for the quick response. It's not a problem. About him hanging out with the online girl, it really just depends on when, where, his attitude about it, and the situation... Personally, I don't think something is going on, but I don't know him... so might say in it is fairly limited... But if you trust him and you know where he's going and what they're going to be doing, it shouldn't be a problem. It's just like you hanging out with one or two of your guy friends. Not all guys have bad intentions. Innocent until proven guilty right? Sometimes signs play with people's emotions. It happens all the time. I do it, too. I tend to blow things out of proportion and think something is going on when it's really nothing. It's human nature. Sometimes you just have to sit back and have a little faith. Things will end up how they were meant to be in the end.

If you want, you could always say something really sweet to him right before he leaves... That way, if he feels like fliritng with the other girl(s), that'd be the last thing in his head, haha. It's a little trick I play sometimes. It actually works, too! So that's always something you could do. It's a lot better than him leaving to go hang out with them right after you've had an argument with him, right? Even if that were the case, he still wouldn't have a right to flirt or betray you... but it just tends to make guys think twice at times.

Hope I helped again!
Feel free to ask a follow-up if you want, and good luck.

~Laura