About PracticalHappiness.com Expertise I can answer questions regarding how to deal with one's own jealousy and how to deal with the jealosy of the partner / lover and how you can liberate yourself from this destructive emotion.
Learn more about me and my work at www.PracticalHappiness.com
Experience I overcome serious jealousy issues with conscious work and effort, and that was a very liberating experience. I also helped several people to abandon their jealous behavior and line of thinking.
Question Hello,
I know you are going to tell me how awful I am. And I guess I agree to some extent. I have been dating Dean for 7 months now and he is not my boyfriend yet. He wants me to be his "official" girlfriend all the time but I can't because about 2 months ago I got out of a long distance relationship I had for two years. Yes, I cheated on my ex with Dean. One of the issues I have with Dean is that I cannot trust him even though he is wonderful to me. The problem I have is that one time I accidentally found his email password (he typed it in front of me by mistake). My curiosity overwhelmed one day and I checked his email. Sad thing was that I found a weird email sent to his friend Tom about a copy-pasted AIM conversation he had with this girl I dont know. The conversation on Aim between Dean and "Robyn" (I found out her name) was fishy, since it happened like a 1 AM when I was out of towm. The conversation pissed me off because he was talking about fantasies and kissing, and stuff like that which is meant to turn girls on. He even wanted to call her at 2 AM (c'mmon!). I kinda confronted him about it in a way (so he would never think I had read that or even knew about this). He denied everything of course and said that he would never flirt with anyone online. I find myself constantly checking to see if any girl sends him stuff. Yesterday I read a message he sent her saying how beautiful she still is. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS? this girl does not even live in the same city. I know it might be silly of me, but I cant trust someone that flirst around with everyone and he does! It drives me nuts. I was not like this before, but since I have cheated twice, I guess it messed up my mind. I dont know what to do. Will I ever move past this? Can I be happy and secure of my relationship? He is very frustrated about me not calling him "boyfriend". I cant commit again!! I will probably end up cheating or going nuts with jealousy again!I cant handle another one...
Thanks
-Lo-
Answer Hey, Lourdes. Thanks for your question. You are not in an easy situation. I could see why you would be upset about that chat and whether you snuck in that e-mail or not is irrelavant. However, his wrong doesn't do yours right.
First, you don't even know what that chat was all about. Was that a joke? Was it his old friend he was playing about? Who knows what it was. In any event, it certainly doesn't justify your subsequent actions. If you spent time with other men out of your desire and interest in those other guys, then it's your god given right and choice as a free, unmarried woman. However, if it's the shelter that you were seeking from your feelings of anger and jealousy, I strongly suggest that you reevaluate your behavior and your reaction to such situations. Ideally, you want to follow a different path:
you want to have a heart-to-heart conversation with the guy finding out more about that chat and encouraging him to be honest. Then, you make you decision - can you trust him or can't you? If you can't and there is nothing you can do about you, YOU SHOULD MOVE ON. You simply can't have a good relationship without trust. If you do trust him, then make it a point to put whatever incident that happend behind you and move forward.
I might be missing the gist of your question, since I am not sure what exactly you would like to solve in your personal situation. Would you like to know what action to take at this point... or would you really like to overcome and abandon the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that you are experiencing at the moment?
Please let me know and I will follow up.
