Expert: PracticalHappiness.com - 10/31/2007

Question
I'm a 42 year old woman, divorced once, widowed once, and am now in a
long-term relationship (7 yrs.) with a wonderful man. He provides me with a
very comfortable lifestyle... has purchased a beautiful home for me and my
family, has taken us on extended vacations... the list goes on and on. He truly
cares for my children and takes the time and makes the effort to nurture
them and connect with them even more so than some biological fathers. My
partner and I live in separate homes, see each other almost every day, and
spend the night together maybe once or twice a week. I love him very much.
My problem, and ultimately his problem, is my jealousy. When we first met it
was revealed that he had had sexual relationships with a number of women
that are still in his life. They are his long time friends, acquaintances, etc.
Because of special circumstances, these women are around from time to time.
I have tried so hard to control my jealousy. Sometimes I'm successful.
Sometimes I'm not. When I'm not, I imagine the intimacy that they shared and
might still share. I am very aware that they are familiar with each others body,
that they kissed and touched each other. That they were inside each other. I
become jealous of the connection they have and I truly feel like an outsider. It
makes me hurt inside. I never treat the women badly. I'm cordial and mostly
pleasant to them. But I sometimes lash out at my boyfriend and I make myself
emotionally distant from him. This in turn causes him to become angry with
me. This is only part of the root of my jealousy. I feel very insecure about his
sexual desire for me because he used to tell me that blonde women caught
his attention. His previous long term girlfriend was blonde as well. Needless
to say, my hair is as black as night. I'm kind of petite and have smaller
breasts. I believe he, like most of the male population, prefers larger breasts.
I also feel terrible when he looks at women walking down the street or even
at women in porn magazines. He doesn't do it very often, but it still bothers
the heck out of me. I feel that he sexually desires these women more than he
does me. I feel that these women are receiving more sexual attention than
what I receive. It makes me feel undesirable... it just makes me feel bad. The
only arguments we've ever had have been because of my jealousy. As I
mentioned before, my boyfriend is a very generous person but when it comes
to complimenting me or verbally telling me he loves me, the words are few
and far between. Am I crazy to need more from a man who gives so much?
Am I pushing him away with my insecurities? Any insight you can give is
greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi, Tess. Thanks for your question. Indeed, jealousy is a serious obstacle to a happy relationship and can poision any communication. The great news is that you recognize that you have a problem and that's the first, essential step to solving. So many people are in denial which prevents them from liberating themselves from jealousy.

Here is what you should do:  
1. Read my article on jealousy here:
http://practicalhappiness.com/blog/?p=43  
2. Read my article on dealing with his sexual past here:
http://practicalhappiness.com/blog/?p=27
3. With regard to him checking out other women, please go to my site at www.practicalhappiness.com click on "video tips for women" and watch the very top video tip "When he checks out other women"  

Thanks, and I hope this helps. If not, please follow up.
And if you found my answer helpful, please rate me on this site and comment on my work.

A.I.
www.PracticalHappiness.com