Expert: Stone - 11/14/2006

Question
hi me and my wife have 5 kids but her dad only spends time with 1 of them moslty our 14 yr girl...which causes friction in the home...i told my own parents there was to be no favs and had to stop speaking to them for a few yrs till they respected our wishes....but with my wife dad he over spends on his fav only takes her on hoildays<he has taken the others as a group but mainly my girl...and its at the point now that if he buys her anything they both say that we have no right to say what can happen with it as he bought it for her ...we told our kid not to do give a cd out that he bought her and she gave it out any way and when we told her off for not doing what she was told she and him said it was not up to us as he bought it for her...i know this sounds mad but its driving us all crazy he seems to think he has just as much say what happens in her life<and not the other 4 kids>as her own mother and is always saying things to my girl which underminds what we have told her please help

Answer
This is typically a category for a different style of question, but I will do what I can to help you.

To really get a better idea of your situation it would help to know how old you and, more importantly, your wife are.

Some parents never let go; others want to live your life for you. The many reasons of why your wife’s father would favor the fourteen year old can plague on the imagination for quite some time. It is hard to pinpoint with out really being up close and personal with what is going on in your family.

A good place to start is to make it so that Grandpa can only take one of the other children at a time. Ultimately, you are the parents and should have the final say so in all matters regarding your children (assuming that you are both responsible parents).  If he cannot follow these rules, then he will not get to see any of the children. By forcing him to take each out one by one, you will not be depriving any of the children from seeing their grandfather.

Another way to combat his playing favorites is to force his gift giving to be reasonable and fair. If he chooses to purchase a gift for your 14 year old, make it a requirement that he must also by gifts for the other three children that is comparable in overall quality. Since you daughter is 14 she should be able to understand what is happening here, and it might not be a bad idea to explain to her what is happening and why.

Please note that I mean no harm or insult in this, but one of the possible reasons of this favoritism could be pedophilia. This should be dealt with in an extremely careful manner because any irrational decisions could end in serious repercussions. It does raise concern that the favorite of your children happens to be 14. Typically favorites go the youngest child. Even more so does it concern me that you only mention grandpa in your letter? Pedophilia is actually considered a mental disorder, and most pedophiles are incapable of empathizing with their victims. They typically mean not harm in what they do, and at times even feel that it is in the best interest of the child to be cared for in such an affectionate way. Do take the time to really learn more about this disease and how to talk to your child before making any decisions. If you suspect that this may be occurring it is important to talk to your daughter, but how you go about that will be best answered by an actual professional (not an all-expert).

Lastly, make sure that you and your wife are on the same page. If choose to work individually it will cause great amounts of turmoil in your marriage, and a lack of stability in the overall situation. It may be difficult, but the two of you must agree and work as a team if you wish to fix the situation. Be willing to compromise and have an open mind. Remember that this is not about some random person, it is your wife’s father, and regardless of what she says he is a very important aspect of both her life and your children’s.


Best of Luck to you and your whole family!
If I can be of any further assistance feel free to follow up…

[STONE]