How to Deal With Relationships in the Workplace/jealousy

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Question
A male coworker and I have been texting for about 3 years. I told him I had feelings for him, and he told me that he can't give me what I want. So, obviously I accepted what he said and we have stayed friends. The issue is he is extremely jealous and possessive if I talk to other men, most of the time it's only his attitude towards me that shows how he is feeling, pulling disgusted faces, slapping his desk, glaring at me while talking. However, every now and then he will say a comment about it. He will then ignore me for a few days. Then he starts talking to me, and it starts all over again. I have pulled away, but his behaviour is still the same. It doesn't make any sense, why is he behaving this why? He rejected me, so I have every right to flirt and play with whoever I want. I know when a man says I can't give you what you want, he is really saying I don't want to give you what you want, so why would he get so jealous? I would like to add, he pushes people away, he does it to people all the time, he doesn't act  jealous with those people, He also watches me all the time, which makes me uncomfortable at times. I just really want to understand. Why is he doing it?

Answer
Hi Pippie,

You assessed his words correctly.  As for his actions, we could theorize for days and days why he does what he does.  Why he does what he does isn't the greater issue--that you are letting this man get to you is the issue.

Don't respond to his behavior in any way, actions or expressions/body language.  Ignore his facial expressions, comments, whatever.  Flirt with whomever you choose, and live your life.  Keep telling yourself he is invisible and treat him as such. Recognize that behavior that is rewarded tends to be continued.  Anyway you react in some way to his sick behavior, you are giving him satisfaction for doing what he is doing and the greater the likelihood he will keep it up.  Your job is to beat him at his own game by totally ignoring him.

In the event his behavior doesn't stop, go to HR and tell them he is sexually harassing you and creating a hostile work environment for you.  Those words bring about quick action.

Take care.  I wish you well.      

Alice J. Bogert

How to Deal With Relationships in the Workplace

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alice bogert

Expertise

I can field questions related to employee-employee relationship issues as well as employee-manager relationship issues.

Experience

I supervised staff at the county and federal level for over 25 years. I have extensive experience dealing with employee disputes, management employee disagreements, morale issues, managing change, etc. I teach a variety of leadership and conflict resolution classes.

Organizations
National Association of Retired Federal Employees, Business Women of America.

Education/Credentials
I have a Masters Degree in Sociology.

Awards and Honors
Three Quality Step Merit Awards for Excellence while employed with the federal government. Numerous awards for training classes I've done.

Past/Present Clients
Private industry, Los Rio Community College District, federal, state and county government

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