Expert: Azure - 10/21/2008

Question
Hi, I am dating a 49 year old man, and I am 38.  I know that the age difference is an issue that I have to be aware of and so does he.  He has a script for cialis and can take it when he feels like it.  We see each other about 2-3 times a week, and I would like to make love at least 2 times a week.  If he is tired or does not want to take a pill, I would like for him to satisfy me with caressing and kissing and oral or manual.  I would be happy to kiss and caress him and give him back rubs or whatever.  I have offered to buy a vibrator for him to use on me but that conversation did not get off the ground, he is not experienced with toys, comfortable using them or thrilled about them.  That brings up another subject, when we do make love it is satisfying but sometimes I want to take it up a notch, I enjoy occassional spanking, anal play, etc. and he will only lightly tap my fanny and has twice given me anal play, says it is a big deal and that if we do it too much it won't be special. ? I wonder if he would feel that way about being on the receiving end of something that he really enjoys.  I don't want to push push push the issues but nothing is getting resolved by themselves.  We have talked about things, in a roundabout way. I am hesitant to push too much because I know that ED can be mental/emotional as well as physical.  When we do make love I totally cover him with kisses and affection and tell him, truthfully, how wonderful it was and how much I loved it.  But I wish it was not always when he wanted it, I feel unappreciated and unsexy. Esp on the nights when I see him putting away more than a few beers and know that he is choosing to do that and that in addition to age/blood pressure pills/being "tired" is going to mean I am going to be climbing the walls in frustration again. So that when I do get to make love I am happy with the traditional stuff, forget the extras that I used to crave and demand.  In other words, my sexuality is getting lost in this scenario and I am not happy.

Answer
only 3 choices; the first is INFORMING him of your unhappiness, that the situation is no longer acceptable, and that his cooperation is now necessary in finding a bridge to MUTUAL satisfaction, or you're out; he could begin by seeing an endocrinologist for testosterone supplementation, then agree to take the cialis, cut down on the alcohol; the rest comes from greater consideration, sensitivity to your reasonable needs, on his part, as he appears to have gotten quite complacent; if he refuses to recognize/act on the above, you should lessen affections, see him less; if still no adequate response, choice 2 is leaving before it gets worse, or choice 3, an unfullfilled life of quiet desperation..