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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Women's Health > How to Deal with Sex Problems > Emotional issues with sex
Expert: Pete - 10/16/2009
Question
I have been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half, and we have been sexually active for most of that time. She was a virgin when we started dating and I was not. We had sex for the first time two or three months into the relationship. I thought I made very clear to hear that I really care about her and that I wasn't just trying to 'get into her pants'.
Our sex life has been irregular for our entire relationship. When we do have sex, I know she enjoys it so it's not an issue of physical pain, but there is some sort of emotional block in that area of our relationship. She has said that she's never been fully comfortable with us having sex, but at the same time she has the physical urges just like I do and so sex was never completely stopped.
She tends to freak herself out about the issue. We've tried going for periods of time without sex, but while it helped the problem temporarily the root cause is still there. I know it's not a question of our devotion to each other, but I don't know what to do to help fix the problem. We've talked about it multiple times but still can't find the root of the problem.
We have worked through other problems before and we know we want to work through this problem together, we just don't know how to go about doing so. Are there things that we can try and do ourselves or is counseling the only answer? We aren't opposed to counseling but I know we want to try things on our own if we can first. We're almost two years into our relationship and the problem is still there. Did we move too fast? Is there a way to back-track and fix this? She's afraid that she's sabotaging the relationship, but we don't want to just give up. What can we do?
Answer
Hi Kyle
Thanks for sharing with me.
It could be that your girlfriend feels that she is not experienced enough sexually and therefore feels like a failure.
If you are ok with the idea, next time you are in bed, allow her to be totally dominate.
Let her do what she wants with your body. For example, she may wish to kiss you and make you aroused by playing with your testicles and get you so aroused that you beg for her to mount you and then she will (within reason) thrust as hard or slowly as she likes.
Obviously this can be highly arousing for you as well as her.
The aim is getting her to feel that it is safe for her to experiment and be at one with your body.
If she has issues with making you aroused, show her your favourite masturbation moves and get her to copy them and provide her with feedback regarding tightness of hold and vigour of her stroking etc.
Above all, keep the communication alive and see if any of the above work.
I wish you well
Pete
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