AboutPete Expertise I am an Australian clinical hypnotherapist and counsellor who can answer all questions to do with male sexuality and questions relating to intimacy.
No problem is too big or too small. You can ask in total confidence.
Experience Comprehensive experience in hypnotherapy and counselling in Australia over a number of years. I have two very successful clinics that cater for people what to make permanent positive changes in their lives.
Organizations Full Member Australian Association of Clinical Hypnotherapy & Psychotherapy
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts Degree, Post Graduate Diploma of Education, Diploma of Clinical Hypnotherapy, Graduate Diploma of Psychotherapy & Counselling
Past/Present Clients I do not discuss past or present clients
Question QUESTION: Hi firstly i need to say that i love my fiance dearly we have 2 lovely
children and have been together for 15 years, both in our early 30's.
I need some advice though as she does not want to discuss anything
related to this subject, i don't know what I am doing wrong?
My partner does not want sex with me, it's been three years now and i
think weve had sex a couple of times.We have pleasured each other after I
have initiated but never sex and always after me giving a massage as part
of foreplay, there is no kissing or mutual intimacy.
After the birth of our second child sex obviously stopped and it hasnt
really started again. I have given up trying to talk about it, she'll get
upset and angry and the reason I always get is I'm tired.
So I tested this theory on a number of occassions by saying about going
upstairs early for a "massage". And it's always not yet. Ive also been
told it's due to self conciousness as she has put on a bit of weight
after the pregnancy, ive tried keeping lights off even putting on weight
myself so she might not feel as self concious.
"
She wont even spontaniuosly kiss me, "as i will try and take it too far"
Ive tried not mentioning sex for months to see if anything might happen
but nothing does and i'm sure that if I never mentioned it again we would
not have sex again ever. I think she can quite happily go without it.
She must have needs that need fulfilling Ive caught her masterbating
before, i just don't know how to tap into that need she had once before.
I would give anything to have an active sex life, I'm not saying I'm good
at it but practise makes perfect.
Perhaps I'm a bastard and she doesnt love me, want me or I repulse her I
don't know why. Sex is free, people do it all the time its a primative
basic need and forms a big part of a relationship.
is it fear of getting pregnant again? no, cos she could go on the pill if
she really wanted sex.
Is it painful? no, cos if she really wanted sex she'd see someone about
it and say it's stopping me having sex
is it cos the kids are in the next room? no, cos we have been together
alone during the day and could have had sex, upstairs in the kitchen or
in the living room
Is it cos, all i think about is sex? no, cos ive gone for months without
mentioning anything, diliberately to see the response.
I'm really confused, frustrated and sad that two people that love each
other dearly cant enjoy sex.
Any help or advice would be greatfully received.
ANSWER: Hi Duncan
Thanks for sharing with me.
If your fiancee is not prepared to talk with you about your lack of a sex life, as a couple you need to get some professional help either through a competent GP or counsellor as sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship.
Since you feel that you can improve your love making skills, this could be an excellent opportunity for you as well to get some assistance too (this will give her the idea that you are ok about talking about sexual issues).
There are heaps of reasons why she may not feel sexual - hormones, depression, fear of future pregnancies etc.
While this is a frustrating time for you, I urge you to stay positive and assure your fiancee that you are thinking of her happiness as well as your own.
Let me know if you need more info.
I wish you well
Pete
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I'm sure it will be even harder to get her to agree/ even talk about something like seeking help.
I'm not wrong though, sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship, kinda thought it might have been me being selfish.
Answer Hi Duncan
Thanks for the original rating.
While it can be a real challenge to get your fiancee to admit that 50% or more of the issue about no sex is hers, you owe it yourself to grasp the nettle.
You have every right in a normal relationship to expect sex on a reasonable basis.
It is also probable - depending on their ages - that the children may have already picked up on the tension in the home (though probably not aware what it is really about - children are amazing at sensing tension within the home and then thinking it is their fault).
If you and your fiancee see the same doctor, you could have a chat with the GP and see if the doctor and have a word in general with your fiancee. There is a possibility of post partum depression etc.
Even if you do not have the same GP, depending on the GP he/she may still agree to see you and you can fill him/her in on what is happening.
Another approach, though more aggressive, is next time one of the children needs to go to the GP say that you want to go along too and once the child has been examined, say that there is something else you need to discuss - depending on the age of the child, you may ask for privacy. If your fiancee is defensive, it will help the GP see what is really going on.
See what you can do. The longer you leave it, the worse this impasse will get in your relationship.
