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About Azure
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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work...technical editor, "dating for dummies";thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Women's Health > How to Deal with Sex Problems > hey
Expert: Azure - 10/29/2009
Question
Hello there
I've been in a sexual relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months now and i'm starting to get worried about myself..I am incredibly shy when it comes to sex, i try to let myself go and not be so shy/embarassed about myself, but i am..i dont feel confident in myself to "be on top" etc...the past few months i have been trying hard to relax during sex and i hadnt orgasmd just made some "mess"..which i feel stupid for..and it makes me feel dirty or like im a slag or something...which i know is silly but that the time thats just how i feel...
The other day i actually orgasmed for the first time and was really freaked out...i was shaking and i had to get out of bed etc..I told my boyfriend it wasnt his fault just that i hadnt ever been like that before.
I know where this all comes from, i was sexually abused alot when i was younger and some of the feelings of anxiety and of being scared i think are coming from that...and occasionally i have had flashbacks during sex which is quite scarey..Since starting my new life away from home at university i have been improving on the flashbacks etc but I have to start life drawing classes soon within my course and im terrified of going because the man we have to draw looks like the man that abused me...but i have to draw this to pass my course...sooo if you can think of any ideas that will help with that at all that would be great..but i mostly wanted to ask about how i can raise my confidence during sex, what can i do so that i can enjoy sex? (alot of the time we just have sex because he wants to and i dont mind, but i dont get anything out of it)and also am i a complete freak when it comes to worrying about making a "mess" or freaking out when it comes to having an orgasm
Thank you for your time and help if you can
Answer
since you just had an orgasm, i'd say your sexual enjoyment problem is lessening on its own; as for your sexual reactions, guys love that natural, spontaneous stuff that happens when people allow their vulnerabilities to come through; they feel good that u trust them enough to expose yourself in that manner; as for the past issues, you might want to consider couseling...
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