Expert: Johannes - 10/10/2009

Question
hi
I hope I found a right place on the net to ask my question and raise my concerns.

I am 30yo man and have been married for 3 months. My wife is 30 too and we are both catholics and waited to get married. We are both successful, highly educated and have lovely families.

We get along well, have a deep respect for each other and love each other and each other company.

However, I have one problem. I can't get an erection with my wife.
We do a lot of foreplay I massage her, fondle her, use my hands on her privates. I can see she enjoys so much and is having orgasms.
I can't get an erection at all. I tried to masturbate while playing with her, she tried the same, nothing worked.

I believe I don't have any physical problem. I wake up every morning with a strong erection and can get one any time I want (when alone)and masturbate to orgasm any time I want.
I am very fit and healthy, do exercise, not drinking, no smoking, no junk food.

I tried not to masturbate for a week hoping it will help me have an erection with my wife - nothing happened.

My wife is supportive and understanding and says it is fine with her saying she enjoys my touch and my company and all is fine.

However, I am very embarrassed and feel I am failing as a lover.
It is affecting me a lot as I can't concentrate at work, feel stressed and started to dread Saturday mornings when we usually try to have sex.
I assumed that since I am healthy and have erection, once when I am with my wife, everything will be fine and natural but it is not.

I really don't know what to do.

any advise will be appreciated.

thanks
Mark  

Answer
Dear Mark,

I am not so sure about this but I think since the day you got married you may had been telling yourself that you have to "perform for your wife" and has to guarantee her sexual satisfaction.
If you did, your intention is quite noble but such intention sometimes bring difficulty to sexual life. Seriously you don't have much of a problem since you are able to get an erection during maturbation. In most cases that I have encountered, erectile dysfunction, situational which is your case, is commonly caused by stress.  Most of the time, when a man fails to have an erection for the first time, that experience is carried over to their next sexual encounters.  I understand that not getting one is terribly embarrassing for a man so he tries to have an erection next time.  When he does, it gives him stress and anxiety resulting to  more non-erections. You can not will yourself to have an erection.  Getting an erection is affected by the level of sexual arousal.  

Have you ever seen a dog with erectile dysfunction?  Probably not because no dog worries whether it would have an erection or not.  It only listens to its body which is sexually aroused.   I remember one of my cases years ago when a man has the exactly the same problem.  I asked him to obtain a sexy picture of his partner and let her mssturbate on that picture.  He was able to get an erection because he was not under pressure to "perform" and was able to ejaculate.  I believe he still has the same partner until today.

The next time you have sex, please do not concentrate on your erection.  Concentrate on your emotions.  Listen to your heart and try to enjoy the feelings of being with the person that you love so much and loves you so much too in return. Never care whether you will have an erection or not.  Just enjoy the sexual desire burning inside of you.  You may howl too if you want...

Good luck and God bless...