Expert: Azure - 11/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello. I am a twenty-something female. I am in the beginning (4-month stage) of my second romantic relationship. I am still a virgin due to (past) religious reasons. My boyfriend (of the same age) and I have "messed around" I suppose you would say, in other ways. This is his first romantic relationship.

There has been a pattern of him being unable to ejaculate with me. Either he cannot do it at all or he has great difficulty doing so. He acts aroused, and often says I'm all he needs, but still I wonder if there's something I should be worrying about...What do you think?

ANSWER: what's the nature of the foreplay?...do u know if he's into porn/masturbation?..have u discussed the issue with him?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your response. I don't feel comfortable sharing the nature of the foreplay, but whatever I do, he does usually act pretty aroused, sometimes extremely so. As far as I know of him, he isn't one to lie, but I hope he isn't falsifying that. As for the porn/masturbation stuff, I am strongly against porn, I've described my reasons, though I don't impose them on him (what he decides about it is obviously his choice). Though he has said he's come to agree with me about it (I find it is objectifying and degrading).  He explains he doesn't need it anymore when he has me (I do find that quite weird). The masturbation stuff we've tried, but still he has the same problem. We have talked about it, though he insists it is not me, that because he has had premature ejaculation problems in the past, he's learned to "hold it in". I admit (I regret to say) that I really don't know anything about that stuff, if what he's describing is normal.

ANSWER: there's only so many choices---i don't buy the "hold it in" story; either he has a physical issue, isn't sufficiently stimulated by what you are doing, or has gotten too used to the porn/masturbation syndrome...thusly, only HE holds the key to your answer...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your followup, I didn't really buy the "hold it in" thing either. How do you suggest I go about talking with him about this? If it is a porn/masturbation syndrome thing, he will certainly deny it wholeheartedly. I have pretty low self-esteem, so he'll just chalk it up to that, saying I just want to know because I'm looking for another reason to put myself down, like so many other people do (say, compared to such glorified bodies in the media).

Answer
as you inferred, he's probably not gonna admit to anything; i'd inform him that unless/unti there's an open/honest dialog about the matter, AND he takes steps to remedy it, there'll be no more sexual activity; otherwise, the other choice is to not care about it; ps you might want to rethink your principles as to virginity--it could mean that you marry someone who you can never develop a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship with...