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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Women's Health > How to Deal with Sex Problems > Female Arousal

How to Deal with Sex Problems - Female Arousal

Expert: Azure - 11/2/2009

Question
I met a girl two years ago. I fell in love with her, but discovered she had a boyfriend which she had been dating for two years. During this time I was trying to move on from her since she was not single. Her relationship with him didn't last, however, so I ended up dating her after having been close friends with her (off and on) for 20 months. She is very jealous of some girls I talked to long before we were dating.

She was very shy with everything at first, especially sex or anything relating to it. Slowly we became closer and moved toward the more sexual side of dating. Now, we have 6 months of being together gone past, and are, of course, happy together. She is still a bit shy when it comes to showing me her body completely with the lights on, however, and she also still resents the girls I've talked to before her and I dated.

We share everything, we spend every day together and do everything together, we communicate well... and as far as I can tell we have a healthy sexual relationship too. We communicate openly about sex, joke about it, and are not shy with any details. We also experiment and have fun with it. All of our sexual explorations have been consensual on both sides, and she has never been sexually abused or violated in any way by anyone, however, her step mother has abused her emotionally and verbally a bit over the past few years. She has since moved away from her step mother, but her father whom she lives with currently is also a bit abusive (emotionally and verbally) as well. I should also mention her mother died when she was 14. Despite all this, though, she has remained very genuinely happy. She tells me she wants to be with me forever, and how happy she is with me. I tell her the same. I also always compliment her and try to make her feel good about herself. I have noticed her self esteem improved greatly over the months. We never fight, although do have the odd argument about very minor things such as where to eat dinner.

As for our sex life... We first had sexual intercourse 3 months ago, and took each other's virginity. I created her first orgasm 2 months ago. We have both had countless orgasms over the last few months. I am able to create an orgasm for her by stimulating her clitoris and vulva, however she says that she never feels "turned on", at all, ever, and never has, even though her vagina gets VERY wet during intercourse, and her clitoris turns "hard" and gets larger too. I know she enjoys what we do together in bed. She says she felt turned on once with her previous boyfriend, but never acted upon it or told anyone.

I am 17 years old, and she is 19.

I hope I've given enough background information to be able to ask: what is happening here? How is it possible that she has had numerous orgasms over the months, and these signs of being turned on, without ever feeling turned on/aroused? Is she turned on without realising/feeling it, or is something from her past preventing her from being turned on? Perhaps it is something with me - maybe somehow I am sending the wrong signals to her without realising it? Is she faking the orgasms? Please let me know of all the possibilities!

I'll just finish by telling you this isn't causing problems in our relationship, and this doesn't concern me deeply; I am merely curious.

Answer
appears to be a contradiction of terms, unless she means something different then the general implications when she uses the term; same for "orgasm"--can't have an orgasm without being "turned on", otherwise the word is meaningless; you first have to see what she means when she uses these terms, then explain to her that an orgasm occurs from reaching a peak of sexual excitement, meaning you can't have an orgasm without being sexually excited...

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