AboutPete Expertise I am an Australian clinical hypnotherapist and counsellor who can answer all questions to do with male sexuality and questions relating to intimacy.
No problem is too big or too small. You can ask in total confidence.
Experience Comprehensive experience in hypnotherapy and counselling in Australia over a number of years. I have two very successful clinics that cater for people what to make permanent positive changes in their lives.
Organizations Full Member Australian Association of Clinical Hypnotherapy & Psychotherapy
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts Degree, Post Graduate Diploma of Education, Diploma of Clinical Hypnotherapy, Graduate Diploma of Psychotherapy & Counselling
Past/Present Clients I do not discuss past or present clients
Question Hello! Thank you for reading my question.
I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 19. We've been dating for almost a year now, and although we haven't actually had sex, we've done other things (hand jobs/oral/fingering) with each other for a while, and we're both comfortable with and enjoy those things. We are considering having sex soon (after I go to the doctor and get protection and stuff), but he and I are both concerned about something. Today while my boyfriend was fingering me, I started to cry. This has happened a few times before, but it doesn’t always happen. It doesn't hurt, and I don't feel uncomfortable--it's almost like I'm crying for no reason, and I don't get it. Sometimes I just feel really in love and it makes me get emotional, and then other times I feel different waves of emotion (even random sadness) that make me cry. Today when I started crying I felt very sad and sort of guilty; he wasn’t really in the mood to begin with, so I guess I felt bad hooking up when I knew he didn’t really feel like it. I can't really explain to my boyfriend why I randomly start crying, and it hurts him to see me cry, which makes me feel bad too.
My boyfriend thinks that the reason why I cry is due to a past experience with another guy, where I sort of pushed myself into being fingered, even though I knew deep down that I felt uncomfortable with it. I cried after that experience, and it was pretty stressful for me, but I haven’t thought about that time at all, except when my boyfriend pointed it out as a possible reason for my crying problem. That happened about 2 years ago.
So, my questions are…
1) Could my negative past experience be causing me to cry sometimes when my boyfriend fingers me? It only happens when I’m fingered, not during oral, or cuddling, or kissing, or anything else. And how can I fix it?
2) Is crying during fingering or any sexual activity normal?
3) Does this mean I’m not ready to have sex? I feel ready, and my boyfriend does too, but now we are concerned that if I cry during activities that aren’t as “big” as sex, sex might not be right for us yet. I don’t feel like it would cause me to become upset, but then again, every time I cry when I get fingered it completely surprises me. It just randomly happens! I really don’t want to ruin our first time by crying.
Any advice would be appreciated…thank you!
-Olivia
PS: Sorry that was such a long post!
Answer Hi Olivia
Thanks for sharing with me.
It sounds to me that you had an emotional release from the past. This happens from time to time.
Just remember that what happened in the past, happened and that it cannot hurt you in the here and now.
When you and your current boyfriend want to be intimate, just take it nice and slow. Make it passionate and intimate. Lots of kissing and lots of communication and it will be fine.
Just make sure that you get lots of oral before penetration and that you have a high quality water based lube available if you need it.
